Do you remember in elementary school when we were all growing up? Figuring ourselves out psychologically, physically and socially?  I remember it being a tremendously confusing but joyful time in my life where I literally learned something new every single day.  Except I never quite got long division.  That shit was impossible.

 

Every day I was learning new things, but one thing remained the same in elementary school:  snack.

 

As an observer of the human condition and behavior I noticed that there were distinct crowds that emerged during snack time and there was also a distinct hierarchy among the students based on what they brought for snack time.  The Snack Time hierarchy can be viewed through the lens of what was deemed a commodity by the average elementary school kid.  It was not determined by the wealth of the families of the children who were eating the snacks, but rather the types of snacks that are most desirable and sought after by kids at that age.

 

The Name Brand Snackers

These were the kids who brought the dopest snacks ever.  We are talking the kids who brought Dunkaroos, Gushers, Cool Ranch Doritos, M&M’s, and Little Debbie Snack Cakes.  These were among the most highly sought after snacks.  The kids who were lucky enough to have these snacks that came in packaging and produced by major food conglomerates could be seen sitting at their desks with a smile of utter and supreme bliss.  Sometimes the Name Brand Snackers would have so much of this awesome snack food that they might share it with their best friend who was lower in the hierarchy.  This was an unusual coupling that occurred about as frequently as Halley’s Comet.  Elementary school children are more known for their terrible selfishness than they are for sharing their food with others which is not unlike the United States as a whole.  They would upwards of five cavities by the time they finished the fifth grade.

 

One of the most coveted snacks were the little crackers and crispy bread sticks that came with the small amount of liquid cheese where you could dip the bread sticks or spread the cheese with the little red thing they gave you.  Everyone knew, of course, that you put minimal cheese on the crackers so that you had a bunch of cheese left for the last one.  It was at this point that you would make one incredibly cheesy cracker for the last bite.  Kids who did this performed 50% better on government mandated standardized testing.  I believe they were called “Handisnacks”.

 

Early Lunch/Second Breakfast Snackers

What you noticed about these kids was that they had more than just a snack.  They had something like cold pizza from the night before, leftover Chinese food or sometimes an entire Christmas goose.  They would get their glucose levels up so high early in the day that their ability to adequately participate in the games at recess was hindered. 

 

Every kid was secretly jealous of these kids and their entirely unnecessary supply of food.  And by every kid, I mean me.  I don’t have a particularly addictive personality, but if I could say with conviction that I have been addicted to anything, it is food. 

 

These kids were often sent off to school with two lunchboxes:  one for snack time and one for lunch time.  They would later develop horrible scoliosis later in life due to the constant weight of holding that much food.

 

These kids might be seen bringing in an entire set of flatware to be able to adequately consume their snack and often share with the entire class, but as I mentioned, sharing is as rare as French kissing in fifth grade.  There are only so many Cooties Shots to go around after all.

 

The Fruits and Vegetables s Crowd a.k.a. Are You Fucking Kidding Me Mom?

There were two camps within this group.  There was the group who had the thirty second memory capacity of goldfish and forgot every day that their mom packed shitty snacks and every day they had to relive one of the more horrible moments in existence when you realize your mother has Benedict Arnold’ed you and given you an apple or carrot sticks.  Every day was a new possibility for Ho-Ho’s, but every day your hope was rewarded with carrot sticks and disappointment.

 

The second camp was those who were wise to their mother’s plan to poison them with vitamins and a proper diet.  Every day they opened their snack receptacle, looked down at their snack, pulled it out, and took down those snow peas like they were cyanide tablets.  But at least they expected it.

 

The other kids during snack time would hardly ever go near these kids during snack time and would often leave them to their own devices to wallow in their own self pity.  It was common knowledge in the classroom that it was unwise to look directly into the eyes of these kids eating fruits and vegetables as you could actually see their souls dying.  The New York Times recently released a report that these 75% of all kids that had fruits and vegetables for snack time became Dementors later in life.  And a stunning 60% of all of those who became Dementors eventually sided with Lord Voldemort.  Tragic.