The Fine Line

Written by the dearest of dear friends, Tom Kennedy.  Say Wayme.

Hey all, my name is Tom, I’m good friends with Rob and I’m a Virgo.  You’ve already seen a little of my work in his Unwritten Rules of Beirut post and here’s some other verbal diahrrea you may enjoy.

I find that in this day of modern technology with personal computers shrunk down to pocket size, “smart” cars, and Dick Clark, that a lot of the true meaning in simple conversation is, I guess you could say, lost in translation.  Don’t ask me how technology really has to do with that, or what any of that really means, I just thought it would be a good lead.  With that ramble out of the way, I present a skit that illustrates my point.

I sit in my living room watching TV with my best friend Sam Donovan while my dog Samson Blackjack lays at my feet.

 

Me: …Dane Cook is really starting to piss me off.  I mean, get over it.

Sam:  What the hell are you talking about dude?  He’s the modern day Seinfeld.  Observations bro, we LIVE his jokes.

Me:  Whatever, agree to disagree.

Sam:  Idiot.

 

…..A few seconds of silence passes by….

 

Me:  I love you Sam.  You’re my little guy.

Sam: What? Are you—What’d you just say?

Me: What?

Sam: You just said you loved me and I was your little guy.

Me:  No you gay ass, I was talking to my dog. Get over yourself Dane.

Sam:  Oh…*laughs awkwardly*…I thought you were talking to me, creepy.

 

…A few more seconds pass by…

 

Sam: So do you want to—

Me:  I really think you’re a cute boy Sam, and I love giving you kisses.

Sam: Dude what the fuck?  What are you trying to do?

Me:  Holy shit man I was talking to my dog.  Can you relax for a minute and get comfortable.  You know I have a girlfriend that I love.

Sam:  True.  It’s just, what you’re saying could go either way.

Me: Yea, well, I guess I could go either way.

Sam:  What does that even mean?

Me:  Forget it, you’re so gay.

 

…The next few seconds seem to take an eternity with the amount of awkward that fills the air.  It’s palpable and can be cut with a knife…

 

Me:  Listen Sam, I just want to say that I think about you while you’re not here and enjoy every time we make physical contact.

Sam:  Alright asshole, there’s no way you were talking to you’re dog that time.

Me:  Wow, You. Are. Ridiculous.  I was simply saying that whenever Sam goes to the vet I miss him and I love petting him and wrestling around.  Not unlike when you and I wrestle.  Can I show affection to my dog without you accusing me of making a move on you?  God, you’re not even my type.

Sam:  You’re ty-?

Me:  You’re SO gay sometimes.  I don’t even know why I bother.

 

….Unbearable seconds pass by, Sam is staring straight ahead, I’m staring directly at him…

 

Me:  I paint you while you shower.