Written by the dearest of dear friends, Tom Kennedy. Say Wayme.
Hey all, my name is Tom, I’m good friends with Rob and I’m a Virgo. You’ve already seen a little of my work in his Unwritten Rules of Beirut post and here’s some other verbal diahrrea you may enjoy.
I find that in this day of modern technology with personal computers shrunk down to pocket size, “smart” cars, and Dick Clark, that a lot of the true meaning in simple conversation is, I guess you could say, lost in translation. Don’t ask me how technology really has to do with that, or what any of that really means, I just thought it would be a good lead. With that ramble out of the way, I present a skit that illustrates my point.
I sit in my living room watching TV with my best friend Sam Donovan while my dog Samson Blackjack lays at my feet.
Me: …Dane Cook is really starting to piss me off. I mean, get over it.
Sam: What the hell are you talking about dude? He’s the modern day Seinfeld. Observations bro, we LIVE his jokes.
Me: Whatever, agree to disagree.
Sam: Idiot.
…..A few seconds of silence passes by….
Me: I love you Sam. You’re my little guy.
Sam: What? Are you—What’d you just say?
Me: What?
Sam: You just said you loved me and I was your little guy.
Me: No you gay ass, I was talking to my dog. Get over yourself Dane.
Sam: Oh…*laughs awkwardly*…I thought you were talking to me, creepy.
…A few more seconds pass by…
Sam: So do you want to—
Me: I really think you’re a cute boy Sam, and I love giving you kisses.
Sam: Dude what the fuck? What are you trying to do?
Me: Holy shit man I was talking to my dog. Can you relax for a minute and get comfortable. You know I have a girlfriend that I love.
Sam: True. It’s just, what you’re saying could go either way.
Me: Yea, well, I guess I could go either way.
Sam: What does that even mean?
Me: Forget it, you’re so gay.
…The next few seconds seem to take an eternity with the amount of awkward that fills the air. It’s palpable and can be cut with a knife…
Me: Listen Sam, I just want to say that I think about you while you’re not here and enjoy every time we make physical contact.
Sam: Alright asshole, there’s no way you were talking to you’re dog that time.
Me: Wow, You. Are. Ridiculous. I was simply saying that whenever Sam goes to the vet I miss him and I love petting him and wrestling around. Not unlike when you and I wrestle. Can I show affection to my dog without you accusing me of making a move on you? God, you’re not even my type.
Sam: You’re ty-?
Me: You’re SO gay sometimes. I don’t even know why I bother.
….Unbearable seconds pass by, Sam is staring straight ahead, I’m staring directly at him…
Me: I paint you while you shower.
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