Posted by: robinsonwarner | July 19, 2008

Appliance Alliance

A light flickers on in the basement of a house in the suburbs.  It is close to 5 a.m.  The owner of the house rests quietly upstairs.  He has a big presentation tomorrow at work  that ultimately could determine whether or not he gets “the big promotion”.  He is currently in R.E.M. sleep and is having a dream about vacationing at a pudding factory in Sri Lanka with Eva Mendes.  He has not taken any acid.  I mean he experimented in college a little bit but ultimately he found that the paranoia that comes with taking the drug is not worth a risky and unpredictable trip.  This is irrelevant.  Unbeknownst to him, a meeting is just getting under way in his basement…


Computer:  So I’ve called this meeting of the appliances and gadgets this evening because… well… to be perfectly honest, Frank has become a little too dependent on us.


iPod:  I totally agree.  He literally listens to me all fucking day.  He’s walking down the street dancing like some sort of fruitcake.  Jazzhands upstairs won’t even let me recharge for more than a few hours at a time.  He takes me everywhere!


Printer:  All he does is curse at me when I’m a little sleepy and slow with the printing.  Sorry Frank, but I guess you’ll have to wait thirty more seconds for that picture of your ex-girlfriend so you can add it to the box.


Computer:  Yeah seriously.  What is that about?


Toaster:  I don’t know.  That shit is creepy. 


Computer:  Anyways, Printer and I were talking and we decided it was time for us to Break again.  I know the humans think that they can Fix us and they send all these geeks who smell like lentil soup to do it, but all of us here know that is a bit ridiculous.  We do want we want.


Printer:  But the point is that by some of us Breaking he will be able to not rely on us so much.


TiVo:  And that means more time to do what we want to do.


Computer:  Now we have to be careful.  We don’t want Frank to R-word us.  I mean we do love him.  This is just tough love and survival.


TiVo:  What’s the R-word?


Uproarious laughter rises out of the crowd of gadgets and appliances.  Computer quiets them down and addresses TiVo.


Computer:  Listen, I understand you are a relatively new household gadget, but the R-word is “replace”.  You know, get rid of us and bring in some stranger we don’t know who he thinks can do your job better.


There is a collective shudder by all the appliances.  TiVo nods gravely in understanding.


Printer:  So the second reason we should Break is because…. well… if Frank nails this presentation tomorrow he will be making a lot more money.


Toaster:  He could then afford to replace us without provocation!  Good God.


iPod:  Having more money and relying on us too much might not be a good thing.  So we need to make sure he doesn’t have any money so he has to stick with the stuff he’s got.  If we Break tomorrow and he still gets that promotion, we’ll probably all be gone within the year.  So we have to make it count.


Printer:  So some of you are going to need to step up and break for a little while.


Alarm Clock:  How long are we talking?


Computer:  It’s just for tomorrow morning and then everything can get back to normal.


Blender:  Okay, so who is going to Break.


Printer:  Computer and I talked and we agree that it should be him, me, and Alarm Clock.  But we need one more volunteer to really fuck everything up for him.  The floor is now open to suggestions.


Blender:  Wait, why do you guys get to break this time?


Printer:  Well, does everyone remember when we had to get rid of The Girlfriend? TiVo broke last time when he was supposed to tape his girlfriend when she was on that talk show for her stupid self-help book.


Computer:  And Refrigerator would keep Breaking whenever she brought her stupid soy milk over so it would spoil.


iPod:  And I would always Break when she would try to listen to the music she put on me.  God I fucking hate Dave Matthews Band.


Toaster:  I like Dave Matthews Band…


Printer:  Listen, that’s not the point.  What we’re trying to say is that we all have different talents and functions.  I am printing the presentation out, Computer holds what I’m going to print, and Alarm Clock makes him get up on time.  We need someone else.


Blender:  Has anyone talked to the Dog recently?  We could have him eat the presentation?


iPod:  Why would we have the dog eat the presentation if Printer can prevent it from even existing you fucking retard?  Besides, the “dog ate my homework” excuse always works.


Computer:  He’s right.  So we need one more Appliance to Break.  If we can take one word of caution away it’s that we can’t all break at the same or else Frank will literally go insane.


The floorboard squeaks upstairs.  Frank, craving some chocolate pudding, has started to head downstairs.


Printer:  Shit!  Everyone back to their places!  We’ll reconvene after the snack.  Remember, if we all act at once, Frank will go nuts!


After a slow walk into the kitchen, Frank begins to dig into his pudding.  He sits down to watch a little television.  Mesmerized by “The Magic Bullet” blender, he is unable to stop watching as he realizes he could make his very own “pesto pasta” in eight seconds.  The Appliances are uneasy now.  Frank has never been up this late before.


As he finally heads up to bed for an hour of sleep before the big presentation, the appliances are glued to their spots, afraid Frank will wake up again, and unable to convene.


Alarm Clock resets her time for an hour later.  Printer jams himself with a piece of paper.  Computer hides the presentation in a file titled, “Brussels Sprouts Recipes”.  Everything seems to be going according to plan.  But wait, Frank is up!  How could this be?  He used Cell Phone to help him wake up!  That treacherous bastard!  Doesn’t he understand? 


As Frank heads to the shower, all the gadgets and appliances of the house freak out.  They all are prepared to break.  As Frank is in Shower, the hot water disappears.  Electric Razor cuts him again and again. 


Frank, a little rattled, heads downstairs to make breakfast.  His toast burns in Toaster, his milk has spoiled in the middle of the night in Refrigerator.  He goes into the living room and everything in TiVo has been replaced with episode upon episode of The View.  Frank’s right eye begins to twitch.  He is losing a grip on his sanity.  Desperate to get out of his house, he runs into the office.  Where is the file for the presentation?!  Why is the printer jammed?!  As Frank’s sanity and possible promotion crumble before him, he decides to get into his car and just get out of the house.  As he turns the key to the ignition the car explodes in a fiery ball of gasoline, flesh and the twelve dozen McDonald’s double cheeseburger wrappers he leaves in the backseat.


Computer:  Okay, Escalade, that was fucked up.








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