Posted by: robinsonwarner | July 26, 2008

Bar Folk and Volcanoes


As someone who has been going to bars illegally since I was eighteen years old I have become a keen observer of the behavior and types of people seen in these drinking establishments.   My expertise centers mostly on college bars so if anyone was interested in those trendy night clubs that serve $14 martinis, you’re not going to find any knowledge about that here. 


There are several different people you can expect to see in a college bar, both of age and under age.  These are the folk you might see:


  • Bar Sitters – This group of individuals usually takes massive amounts of pride in their ability to get to the bar early enough to monopolize bar space and making it much more difficult for others to acquire a beer.  This group of people can range anywhere from four to six people all yelling down the bar and making “hilarious” jokes.  Every once in a while someone will throw down enough money to buy obnoxiously disgusting shots such as The Three Wisemen, The Four Horsemen and of course, Satan’s O-Ring.  The bar sitters rarely get up except to relieve themselves.  They have their buddies save their spots at the bar and if it is taken when they get back, they’ll have the perpetrator taken to the back and beaten with hickory sticks.


  • Jukebox Junkies – These are the people who hang out around the jukebox or digital music selection thingy.  They believe that their music selection is far superior to that of the rest of the mortals at the bar.  They usually make awful faces when a rap/hip-hop song sneaks into the playlist under their watch.  These students are well versed in classic rock and fist pump while “Don’t Stop Believin’” comes on and play the air guitar for every note during the guitar solo in “Freebird”.


  • Dramatic Girls – This is a group of at least three girls with at least one of their members in tears.  This could because they forgot to TiVo “The Hills”, one of their family members has been kidnapped by pirates, or because that cute boy from their writing seminar is making out with Stacy.  This group will spend copious amounts of time tending to their friend and calling over guy friends to offer their support.  The guys have to pretend to care so they stand a chance of making out with one of these girls later.  This is not to be confused with…


  • Dramatic Guys – These are the guys who are convinced that they need to get into a fight and to not do so would be a failure.  They spend a majority of time hallucinating that the “asshole in the visor” is giving them a weird look.  This can of course only mean two things:  The visor guy is a homosexual or he really does have a problem with The Dramatic Guy.  However, in The Dramatic Guy’s defense, if the guy he wants to fight is indeed wearing a visor, he almost always deserves to have his ass kicked.


  • Dramatic Couples – This is a couple that is very much like a volcano from a fifth grade science project.  The couple is the baking soda and alcohol is the vinegar.  Once combined, there is an inevitable reaction.  They can be seen yelling, gesturing, stomping and often threatening each other with hooking up with another girl or guy.  These couples often leave the bar early to fight each other with gladiator armor back at one of their respective apartments.


  • The Sparkplug – This is a very charismatic girl or guy who tells the best stories and is able to command the attention of an entire table.  They tell this crazy story about that time on spring break where their best friend puked on some person’s back but The Sparkplug convinced them it was really just beer.  The Sparkplug often receives a lot of high fives and compliments from the small crowd assembled at the table.


  • The Gamers – This is a group of mixed sexes that is playing games such as Quarters, Asshole, Kings or Everyone Lets Just Cut to the Chase and Get Wasted.  They are often a boisterous bunch that is known to have a good time.  They might also bring Candyland with them and they should be congratulated for their efforts.


  • Drunk Girl – Oh man, this is worth heading out to the bar unto itself.  If a train wreck can take a form of flesh and bone, this is it.  This individual can be seen hitting on every single thing in the bar including, women and inanimate objects.  Everyone knows this girl is going to lick someone’s face and ultimately throw up her large pizza from Dominos later.


  • The Shy Ones – These people leave the bar within twenty minutes of being there as they cannot handle the pressure of actually interacting with people.  They might head back to their parents’ basement to post on their blog called Herding Scapegoats.  Loser.


  • Drunk Guy – This is also worth heading out to the bar.  Unable to speak English properly, this guy can be heard speaking some strange form of Aramaic that can only be understood by other drunk people.  If the blowing up of the Hindenburg could be translated into human flesh and bone, it would be this guy.  All it takes is the veritable spark.  This usually comes in the form of that one shot of tequila that causes the guy to transcend space and time and move into the Twilight Zone.  Drunk Guy might believe this, but everyone at the bar just notices that the guy can’t keep his eyes open and is walking around like Raggedy Andy on methamphetamines.  Everyone knows this guy will probably end up dry humping a bar stool and then ultimately throwing up the bouquet of Taquitos he purchased from 7-11… all in nickels.


  • The Rabbits – You know it.  Everyone in the bar knows it.  And these two love birds have a very sneaking suspicion that they are going to leave and hook up soon.  There is an aura of sex and booze that hovers in a three foot radius around the area where these two college kids are talking.   The guy ultimately will say something like, “Hey, do you want to get out of here and watch a movie at my place?”  The girl, understanding the code that “movie” equals “possibly have some sex”, will agree.



If anyone has any people at the bar that I have forgotten, I am quite sorry and would love to hear your feedback.  Thanks for tuning in, but its Friday night and I’m on my way to the Twilight Zone.




  1. If you’re the shy one, I’m Mary Poppins.

  2. I am not the shy one I suppose, but I never miss an opportunity to make fun of myself. I felt I was taking things a little too seriously so I decided to remind myself and all my readers that I’m still a huge dork.

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