Posted by: robinsonwarner | August 1, 2008

We Had a Great Time, But Why Hasn’t He Called?!

I’d like to dedicate this post to my friend Allie.  Hopefully this can shed some light.

 

I’m going to begin today by trying to answer one of the oldest questions in the history of human civilization.  It deals with the central relationship between men and women and ultimately how they communicate.  For as long as there have been men and for as long as there have been women they have been hanging out together, engaging in courtship rituals and exchanging the means of communicating, but there always arises the strange phenomenon where things are going really well and then the guy doesn’t call.  You thought things were going so well.  What happened?

 

In the beginning of civilization when prehistoric man was forging the means to engage in meaningful agriculture around 10,000 B.C. Loktor would be hanging out around the field planting seeds really well and he was totally impressing that hottie Jazula with phenomenal childbearing hips.  She lived in the cave through the forest; in the ritzy neighborhood.  I mean Loktor was also quite the looker.  He had a really awesome beard, a sweet fur ensemble going on, and most importantly, he didn’t throw poop at Jazula like the other cavemen. 

 

So one day they start talking during Planting Time and they’re hitting it off so Jazula says, “Hey Loktor, you should call me later and we can meet up by the river for a drink of water because we haven’t invented beer yet.”  Now Loktor says he totally will call and once he does that they will meet at the river.  “Calling”, in those days, meant blowing on the village’s ram horn.  Once three blasts had sounded, it was so on.  But Loktor never called. 

 

Jazula was left at home to ponder the meaning of this situation while painting on her cave wall.  It is anthropological fact that all cave paintings were made by cavewomen waiting for cavemen to call.  Why do you think all the cave paintings are of cavemen chasing after bulls?  Roughly translated, it means cavewomen were sick of the cavemen’s bullshit.

 

Or maybe several thousand years Calliope was having a really nice time with Falco at the Roman Baths the other night.  The orgy was really nice and they had some nice wine, then they held hands as they visited the vomitorium together.  They stuck their fingers down each other’s throats, purged and then smiled passionately at each other before heading back to the orgy.  I mean this was a recipe for success, right?  You had fun, right?  What happened?

 

Now I’m sure for the women who are reading this that they are nodding somewhat in agreement.  They are probably whispering to themselves, “Yes! Why? It makes no sense.”  Well you know what?  It doesn’t make a lot of sense, but it happens anyway.  It’s one of the irrational quirks that men have.  Women are irrational when they get mad at guys for not noticing their haircuts because it was so fucking obvious that you got it layered and had it taken up two inches all the while having it colored slightly different to something called Caramel Sex Bomb which, to guys, looks exactly the same.  Do you know what guys do to deal with their girlfriend’s haircuts?  Every guy has a pair of dice that they keep with them and they roll every time they are going to see their girlfriends.  If the pair of dice rolls a snake eyes, they will look at their girlfriends and say, “Did you do something with your hair babe?”  Sometimes they’re right and sometimes they’re wrong, but it’s better than not saying anything at all. 

 

So why don’t guys call?  Well I’m going to try to use some sort of roundabout guy logic to help you understand why we don’t call.  There are a few options as to why this might happen.  The trail splits here in two directions.  The first trail heads down to fact as to whether or not you, as a woman, have given this guy any nookie.  That is, have you slept with him or engaged in any number of sexual practices?  Well we’ll say yes for now to tackle the first part of this age old quandary.  So if you’ve “hooked up” with this guy already (as the kids are saying nowadays) the guy might not call because he was actually totally objectifying you.  You were being used as a means to an end.  Immanuel Kant would be terribly upset with this guy (for any of you got that joke, you are just as large of a nerd as I am.  It’s a very exclusive club). 

 

It is a well know fact that guys can often be real smooth operators, for those of you born after 1970, a smooth operator is someone who could be dubbed a “player” or someone who is adept at talking to women.  To be more specific, this guy knows exactly what you want to hear so that he can get what he wants.  Think of them as a wolf in sheep’s clothing or maybe a vampire wearing a wolf costume at a sheep party.  Wait. That doesn’t make any sense.  But the point is that they might be real suave and make you melt when they talk to you, but buyers beware.  This gentleman is after one thing.

 

So there is a less sinister reason for why the guy didn’t call.  Not all guys are wolves you know.  You have to understand that guys have a very different concept of time.  They view calling as an action that can be seen absolutely, not relatively.  Let me explain.  Guys believe that what counts is that they called and, but not how long it took to do so.  For guys, things cannot be viewed in the traditional space time continuum.  There is a very real possibility that the guy is indeed going to call, but you need to give them time.  They are often tied up doing other things whether it is work, videogames, scratching themselves, making a graph of their penis growth since middle school, building stuff, bowling, eating, watching sports, playing sports, graphing their penis growth since middle school, farting, and sometimes graphing their penis growth since middle school.  I know this sounds too simplistic, but ladies, sometimes you just have to wait it out; like maybe even two weeks.  When he is not calling you, he’s probably not even thinking that he’s hurting your feelings.  He’s thinking you’re just as busy as he is so he’ll wait.  What’s happening in the real world is that you’re talking to your friend Jan, breaking down every single aspect of the situation:  what you were wearing, what time of month it was, exactly what both people said, what his body language was, how inebriated you both were, etc.  On the other hand, guys will talk with their dude friends and they might say something like:

 

Mark:  Dude, did you call that chick from the bar yet?  With the knockers?

 

Jeff:  Nah.  Not yet.

 

Mark:  I farted.

 

 

It is for this reason that when you finally get pissed off to call him that he picks up the phone and he sounds kind of convincing when he says, “Oh I was totally going to call you tonight.”  Because in all seriousness he might have been.  It’s just that he hadn’t gotten around to it.  He was doing “other stuff”.

 

The second path that we can head down is that you have just met this guy at a bar or park or maybe a picking blueberries in the country or at an adult film conference.  So let’s say you are at a bar for simplicity’s sake and you are chatting up this dude and you are really enjoying his company, so you go on the offensive and give him your number so he’ll call you call you.  The complex part of this is that it leaves the phone calling within the realm of Guy Time which is not linear, not even cyclical, but something that looks like a dart board.  So if you give the guy your number and he thinks you’re hot enough he’ll probably call you, but you never know when.  You either have to wait around because he’s exceptionally lazy, but also you might have to wait around for another reason.  I can’t stress this reason enough.  Guys do not like talking on the phone.  I’m sorry, but it’s true.  Talking on the phone is terribly painful.  It is so awkward because sometimes jokes and sarcasm don’t translate and one person starts talking while the other one is and there is awkward silence and sometimes the phone cuts in and out.  It is not a good thing.  You must understanding the fact that guys want to spend as little time on the phone as possible.

 

I had a friend in high school who hated phones so much that he would have me call his girlfriend to make plans with her for him.  It sounds pathetic but every guy has a friend like that who hates the phone that much.

 

 

It all comes down the different styles that guys and girls have while talking on the phone.   Have you ever listened to a phone conversation between guys?  It goes something like this:

 

*Riiiing*

 

Tom:  Yo.

 

Rob: Waddup?

 

Tom:  Chillin.

 

Rob:  You have that study guide for ethics?

 

Tom:  Yeah, I’ll email it to you.

 

Rob:  Thanks.

 

Tom: Peace.

 

Seriously.  It is that simple.  I shit you not.  Now let’s look at that conversation in girl mode:

 

*Riiiing*

Jenny:  Oh my God!  Hey girl!

 

Kaitlin:  How are you?!  Oh my god I’m so tired from pilates.  Oh and there was this really cute guy there.  He was sweating so much though, but he was still so hot.  He’s probably gay though.

 

Jenny:  Oh my God.  The one with the brown eyes and the freckle on his ear?  His name is Rick.  He’s totally not gay.  You should go for it!

 

Kaitlin:  You think?  I don’t know… I’m still feeling a little upset about Steven.  He’s hooking up with that slut Stacy now.  Plus I’m having my period this week and I feel bloated.

 

Jenny:  Oh I know! Me too!  We’re cycling together!  So funny!  I was watching Laguna Beach reruns today and I had the worst cramps.  Ugh!  I don’t feel like studying for ethics.

 

Kaitlin:  Do you have that study guide?  Would you be a doll and email it to me if you do?

 

Jenny:  Of course!  But you owe me bitch!  Haha, just kidding, babe. I love you!

 

Kaitlin:  Totes!  Love you!  BF4L!

 

Wow.  That was tough to stomach.  Now I of course know that not all girls are like that.  Most of them watch The Hills instead.  But the point is that girls thrive on telephone communication.  For guys, something is lost in the connection on the telephone.  So this is why they don’t like calling you, but will do it for you and be terribly awkward while doing so.

 

So how do girls combat this unpredictable and irrational calling behavior displayed by men?  Well the first option is to get the phone numbers from the guy and give him your number which puts the ball in both your courts.  I know you don’t like this idea, because you want him to want to call you.  But you also might want him to put the toilet seat down after he pees, but he just might not even be thinking about it.

 

There is always the dreaded, horrible fact that maybe you just got straight up rejected by a guy and he’s not interested in you.  It happens all the time to guys when guys give out their phone numbers to girls and they simply don’t call. 

 

And another thing, you know that the evil rejection hotline was made by a woman.  For those of you who don’t know what this is, it is single handedly responsible for the rising suicide rate in the United Stats.  It is a fake number that women give out to guys who they’re not interested in.  The guy might call the number the next day because he might actually be really into the check and when you call the number it’s a voice that tells you that you are undesirable and you’ve been cruelly rejected.  And girls wonder why guys don’t call.  This is the equivalent of opening of a gift from a stranger and when you open it there are African killer bees waiting inside.

 

Listen, sometimes it also might help to also treat guys like they are 11 years old and they’re back in homeroom again when it comes to phone numbers.  Have specific instructions for him.  “Call me this weekend and we’ll meet up.”  This has a time frame and a directive.  This is good.  This is what is not good, “Call me.”  That could mean anything!  Holy shit!  And then there is this whole mind game bullshit that girls play where they don’t want “desperate guys” who call the next day or this cultural myth that you’re supposed to “wait seventy two hours” or some arbitrary set of time.  Well if you really like the girl, then why wait?  I don’t understand!  You can’t say you don’t want desperate guys and then complain when they don’t call.  Having your cake and eating it too is only possible one time a year.  And guess what sweetheart?  It aint your birthday.

 

So ladies, please understand that we love you and your attention, how awesome you smell, how you do your hair, your cool outfits that make you look really hot, your sexy smiles, how your hips are like a beautiful apple shaped metronome, and when you laugh at our stupid jokes, but you need to work with us on the “calling” situation.  Because at this point we’re just terribly confused.  Guys don’t call because they don’t know when they should.  To borrow a metaphor from my favorite music group Atmosphere, women are a lot like cars:  we try to drive safe and slow but we hardly know anything about the engine.  Help us.  Please.

 

Women talk about equal opportunity in the workplace, the glass ceiling in business, gender construction, unfair gender bias, the WNBA being just as good as the NBA and women’s voting rights.  And ladies, I totally agree with you.  You deserve to have every single right that men do plus at least a year or two of maternity leave.  Women have just as much initiative in this world as men do.  Perhaps more.  But regardless of this fact, you need to be willing to step up and maybe make a phone call from time to time.  You have just as much responsibility as guys.  And yes, I understand that guys traditionally make the first move, but also traditionally women stayed in the kitchen and took care of the home.  If the Middle Ages have taught us anything it’s that just because things have always been done a certain way in the past, doesn’t mean it’s the most efficient way or the best way.  If you want different results, you need to be willing to change your playbook a little bit.  My guess is that guys will meet you halfway; after they’re done with their graphing.

 

 

 

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Responses

  1. this is fantastic — now it all makes sense! thanks for making me smile today 🙂

  2. well that’s what i’m here for. just be careful of the guy-time dimensional vortex. it throws women off ALL the time

  3. haha thanx rob…this is great!

  4. I grew up with 3 brothers. Learned “guy talk” at an early age.
    1. look them in the eye when you speak.
    2. Just the facts
    3. keep it short.
    4. tell them exactly what you want.

    This cracks me up.

  5. … so what you’re telling me is, you’re the wolf in sheep’s clothing?

    =)

    Thank you for shedding some much needed light on a few things… ha. Boys are silly. But we love them so much!

  6. this is such an awesome explanation. except the rejection hotline thing: you have only jeff goldblatt to blame. yes, you have a traitor in your midst. and hist last name has “blatt” in it.

  7. son of a bitch. he will be found and dealt with. your contribution is duly noted.


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