Do you ever just sit at your desk and all of a sudden you just think to yourself, “Holy shit, I should invent that! I would be a millionaire! Why hasn’t that been invented yet?” Well here is my list of things that I think should have been invented and not necessarily by me, but ya know, by scientists. I mean it’s 2008 for God’s sake. People thought there would at least be flying cars and we would all be wearing jumpsuits with lightning bolts on them, but noooo. This is some bullshit. Take a look at my list.
Teleporter – Come on folks. Really? I can see my house from space on my computer and we can’t teleport a burrito to my sofa? Ridiculous.
Pillow cooler – Some sort of device that keeps your pillow cool so you don’t have to flip it over in the middle of the night. There is nothing better than putting your face on a cold pillow. The only way I can describe it is by making up a word, “facegasm”. Yep.
The only downside from this invention is that many sports analysts will be losing a catchphrase. Instead of saying, “And Garnett is cooler than the other side of the pillow”, they’ll have to say, “And Garnett is as cool as the original side of the pillow he initially laid his head upon which is as cool as it was when he first started sleeping due to recent advances in technology. Booyah!” It doesn’t have the same ring to it.
Hoverboards – I know that there is a hoverboard, but perhaps not many. I saw it in Back to the Future. It is around here somewhere. I want to be able to evade local bullies and cause general ballyhoo with my hoverboard. I also feel like it would be much easier than skateboarding.
More dentists – This isn’t as much of an invention as it is something that bothers me. Every time I had dentist appointment growing up it was probably the only thing on the calendar that was not subject to change. I think my mother would have rather moved Christmas than try to cancel my dentist appointment. As if there are legions and legions of people waiting for your thirty minute spot once you forfeit it. Is there that much of a shortage of dentists in the world? Is it because we fucking hate all of you and your hygienists because you spend thirty minutes carving up my mouth and then remark that my gums are bleeding because I’m “not flossing enough”? Really? I’m convinced now that flossing is not the issue of whether or not my gums bleed. I’m pretty sure the issue is that you’re taking a harpoon to my mouth like you’re hunting Moby Dick. That is the issue. You went to school for this and you’re hacking away like you’re cutting a flank steak. I can get that same skill set at the butcher.
Giant mechanized robots that could be used in war situations – I think in general that war with humans has become terribly impersonal. Countries just dropping bombs on each other make it so people don’t understand the true toll that war takes. But I understand that with greater technology we have acquired the means to wage war without losing lives on our side. Now I understand the logic, but I fee like if we’re going to be waging war, we want to be really bad ass about it. I think by now there should have been giant mechanized robots that people could get into and control and then fight that way. It would be like those robots in the third Matrix movie, but it would be much cooler… and they could fly. I’m just saying, you think someone at D.O.D. would have at least submitted a proposal. Scientists are spending time cloning sheep and making iPods that test your blood sugar but we don’t have a giant robot army at our disposal. You know that the Japanese and Chinese are working right now on making a robot army and their robots are much more fuel efficient than ours.
Light sabers – Now I don’t want to get too crazy, but what if we made light sabers for our robot army to fight with? Chills.
Ice that doesn’t melt – I know this seems a little ridiculous but hear me out. Isn’t it the worst when it’s a really hot day or you’re on vacation and you’re drinking your fruity drink with an umbrella in it and you don’t want to be too much of a college student and finish your drink like it’s got some sort of youth elixir in it. Plus you will also get brain freeze. The face that people make when they have brain freeze can only be described as a confused concern. It almost looks like someone is pooping something they shouldn’t be, like a television remote.
But in any case you have your beverage in your hand and then it starts melting at an exponential rate. Before you know it you have half a cup filled with a watered down drink called something like Island Fruit Genocide (with rum).
Or another example, let’s say it is the middle of July and you decide it’s time for an ice cream cone on a Saturday afternoon. You realize this is a bold move due to the melting factor. You think you can eat the ice cream faster that it can melt, but you are always wrong. That ice cream cone requires more attention than a classroom of first graders at a whoopee cushion factory. I mean there is constant vigilance and then there is melting ice cream cone vigilance. How nice would it be to avoid that hassle?
So, let’s see what we can do on the non-melting ice front, scientists. Yeah I’m talking to you.
Alarm clocks that sound like our mothers – I don’t know if I’m alone on this one, but I would much rather be woken up by mom saying, “Honey, time to wake up” than the sound, as far as I can tell, of Chernobyl melting. The abrupt nature of the sound, which has been known to shrink human sphincters by 67% upon reaching the limbic system, has been the bane of sleepy individuals since its invention. All I’m saying is that we could get some sort of recording device to put on our alarm clocks, have your mother speak into the recording apparatus and have that be your alarm, and not the sound of the Star Trek Enterprise going to warp factor seven.
Now I realize that my experience of being woken up by my mother might be an experience of being an only child, but someone has been woken up by their mothers at some point and you know it is far superior than anything else.
Time machines – I’m not advocating the use of the time machine to necessarily be able to screw around with the fabric of space and time itself, but I think we would have been able to at least invent one by now. Just because I want the ability to crush a man’s skull in my head doesn’t mean I’m going to actually do it. It’s just nice to know it’s possible.
I would like to thank Evan and Mar for their contributions
So for those of you who read this and have your own ideas for things we should have invented by now, please submit them in the form of comments at the end of this post. I would love to hear your feedback. This is only Part I and if I dig your comments (if any of you have them), your inventions will be in Part II which will hopefully be at the end of this week or sometime early next week.