Posted by: robinsonwarner | August 6, 2008

(Beer + Adrenaline) x Patriotism = Epic Drinking

With the Olympic Games upon us at the end of the week I thought it would be interesting to write about them because of the cultural importance they hold.  Just kidding, I wanted to write about it so I could make fun of them, or more specifically I wish to propose that we have another set of Olympics; one that might appeal more to the masses and be absolutely more interesting than archery. 

 

No matter what the culture, country or society, they often have their own form of alcohol because everyone knows alcohol is a wonderful social lubricant that leads to laughter, shenanigans and sometimes vomiting.  I want Bob Costas to do his Olympic break down and try to keep a straight face while watching four people projectile vomit after a game of Quarters.  Take that Bob.  I propose a different set of games, namely, drinking ones.  I give you the Drinking Olympics and their events.

 

  • Edward Forty Hands – For those of you unaware as to what this game is… Well I say shame on you.  This is a game in which two forty ounce bottles of malt liquor are taped to the hands of the participants and they must finish the eighty ounces of liquid before they can go pee.  Drinking malt liquor, such as Colt 45 or Steele Reserve as fast as humanly possible, is a different kind of drunk that escalates the night always more quickly than intended.  My guess is the reactions to this strange alcohol would be different for people from different countries, but one outcome would be universal.  I am of course referring to the human condition known as The Pee Dance.

 

The Pee Dance involves someone moving from side to side, clenching their thighs together, grabbing at their privates, trying to circumvent the excruciating feeling of having to drink more liquid while being unable to relieve oneself.  For those of you, who are unaware of the image I’m trying to convey, just think about any kid that you have ever seen in Toys R Us.  The kid is so juiced up to be at the Mecca of toys that his body literally cannot handle the excitement.  Something has got to go:  urine.  This is the Pee Dance and my guess is that every culture’s is the same.  It is revelations like these that make me wonder why we have wars.

 

  • Beirut/Beer Pong – I think that Americans might have a leg up on the rest of the world in this game because I sincerely doubt that college kids in Lebanon play a game called “Beirut”.  What they might play is a game called “I Fucking Hate America” where the pong balls represent metaphorical bundles of ill will striking McDonald’s all across the Western Hemisphere.  Who knows?  All I’m saying is that I have survived college and once you learn about this game and you’ve had a few drinks in you, regardless of cultural background or ethnicity, you will become the most competitive asshole around.  I don’t care if you pray to the gods devoted to destroying human happiness, it is impossible to not get into this game.  I don’t care if the cardinal sin in your religion is anything related to high fives because by the end of at one game you will have given, at minimum, two high fives and one fist pound. 

 

Plus we might get to find out if there is a country or culture that has a natural affinity for this kind of game.  Some mundane task in their everyday life involves the same muscle memory that the drinking game of Beirut does.  It is probably the Kenyans.  Let’s just not tell them about this one.  It can be our little secret.

 

  • Asshole – I think the game should be played by the prime ministers and presidents of nations around the globe, so when the first person to get rid of their cards throws them down on the table, they get to scream, “I’m the president, bitch!  Bow down!”  The last head of the executive branch of their country to get rid of all their cards should have to send ten citizens from the rest of the countries to Disney World on their dime. 

 

Hopefully the loser is President Bush because I want to see that look on his face when he finally loses something.  The Supreme Court can’t be involved this time.  I feel like President Bush was the kind of guy who spelled the last word wrong in the spelling bee and his dad bribed the judges so he would win because “bratwurst was a tough one”.  George Bush Sr. also probably had a new ending flimed to Old Yeller filmed because George Jr. couldn’t handle the emotional strain.  In the Bush version Old Yeller, instead of being taken out back to be shot, Old Yeller turned into a terrorist fighting super-robot and brought peace to the Middle East.  Plus everyone got Happy Meals.

 

  • Quarters – It would be interesting to play this game because there has got to be a version of this in every country, but everyone’s currency is weighted differently, shaped different, and feels differently coming off the finger tips. 

 

          In the first round you can you use your own currency, but after that you have to switch with a random    country.  Then we’ll see what is what.  The losers in quarters have to put a coin in circulation that has a picture of some monument from the winner’s country.  Hopefully something from Vegas will be selected if the United States wins.  That would be bad ass.  And of course by “bad ass” I mean a terribly pathetic monolith to our country’s obsession with instant wealth and sleazy businessmen.

 

  • Dizzy Bat – The principle of this is that it involves spinning your head on a bat upwards of seven times and then running to a beer twenty feet or so away (or 6.29 meters if you’re from a country smart enough to participate in the metric system).  I just think it would be great to see people from different countries fall down over and over again.  Whom do you think falls down the funniest?  I’ve watched those Japanese game shows so I would have to say that if those shows are any indication, the Japanese would be the funniest.  Maybe.

 

  • Case Race – This is just another example of me wanting to see a bunch of hard asses from all different countries throwing up all over themselves and then trying to act with dignity while representing their country.

 

  • Keg Stands – I’m not going to name names here, but there was a kid at my college who did a two minute keg stand once.  I am not making this up.  I really have no idea how that happened.  Is that even possible?  Is there a wormhole in his stomach that leads to Narnia?  I’m still confused.  Can anyone beat that, seriously?  In any case, I want to see an Irishman and an Australian inverted on a keg with people counting at the top of their lungs how many seconds they have been chugging.  Many years of scientific research have proven another universal constant besides gravity:  (Beer + Adrenaline) x Patriotism = Epic Drinking.  That was the only thing I learned in my math class freshmen year of college.

 

  • Enemies and Allies – This is card game where let’s say four players are dealt thirteen cards a piece.  The two of clubs starts first.  This person picks another player to drink for the numerical value on the card.  The other players have the option, if they also have the two of diamonds, spades or hearts to add two more seconds to the drinking time or reverse it to someone else.  The game goes on like this until all the cards are used.  So you ultimately pick those who are your enemies to drink the most and you rescue your enemies.  Because there is no definitive winner we would have to play by the Puke Standard.  The Puke Standard states that the first person to puke loses.  I’m not sure how it would all work out, but we could get some scientists to figure it all out.

 

It really is too bad Muslims don’t drink because I guarantee it would have been the Enemies and Allies game of the millennium to see the Shia and the Sunni vent their frustrations through a card game

 

 

These are only some of the events that would ultimately take place in the Drinking Olympics.  The question is however, how would one be selected to represent one’s country?  My guess is that if the Olympic Trials Committees for the respective countries had any sense they would go out to as many universities as they could and just start throwing parties.  The real drinkers would come out of the woodwork.  Never underestimate the heart of a champion… or maybe the liver.

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Responses

  1. Wow .. very interesting issue. I will blog about it also!


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