Posted by: robinsonwarner | August 11, 2008

Douchebag Darwinism

Why do some women date douchebags?  Or, more accurately, why do these women date guys that are of low moral acumen?  There are plenty of sane individuals who date perfectly great, handsome guys who their ladies like royalty.  Young women, much like voters in the flyover states, act against their own self-interest.  This kind of behavior starts, as many things do, with the misguided behavior of the young and inexperienced.

Throughout middle school and high school the, people with prematurely good looks can get away with unsavory behavior.  Young men of this age are rewarded with feminine affection superficially because at that age, kids are extremely superficial.   With this prevalent superficiality, individuals are trained that the incentive (feminine affection) for good behavior is significantly lower than for bad behavior.

 

Think of these guys as great white sharks.  They have never had to evolve because their present fitness was the most efficient.  Douchebags have never had to socially evolve because they continue to be rewarded as they are.  In biology, fitness is defined as the “capability of an individual of a certain phenotype to reproduce”.  If the goal of a biological entity is to pass on one’s genetic code, what then is the goal of a socially romantic entity?  It would be fair to say that the goal of a socially romantic entity is the capability of a social entity, in a romantic sense to acquire the attention and admiration of the opposite sex.  The fitness of the Douchebag has never been challenged so why should they change?

 

It is for this same reason that less attractive men have had to adapt and evolve.  Being less attractive, but also wanting to be considered as desirable socially romantic entities to women,  developmentally slower individuals have had to adapt their fitness into strong personalities, listening skills, a sense of humor or a shoulder to cry on.

It seems that women will date the former, but yet consistently pine for chivalry.  The irony is that women who have a predilection for douchebags often have a bevy of male friends with whom they have a very healthy relationship.  It is often a guy they consider “like their brother” or someone whose friendship is too valuable to ruin with romance.  The message is clear to the non-douchebag or the Nice Guy, this girl don’t want to bone you, let alone date you.  These young men might make girls laugh or open doors, remember their birthdays when their boyfriends don’t, but they are still relegated to the second rate gay friend.

 

The reason I say second rate gay friend is because in all likelihood you are not gay.  Because if you were, platonic girlfriends would instantly be all over you and you would be swimming in pubescent poontang.  Yes, I said poontang.  Get over it.  It is one of the other constants in life that the only kinds of guys that women like more than Jerks and Assholes are Gay Guys.

 

Now the girls who say they just want a “nice guy” after dating assholes are more full of shit than every politician alive.  This is the mantra that must be repeated by the girl who dates assholes.  They need to work themselves into this delusion for two reasons.  First, she doesn’t want everyone else to think she is shallow for dating good looking guys with menial character over dating a less attractive guy with a much more robust respect for women and a better sense of humor.  Second, this is a trick she tells her subconscious so she doesn’t have to face the fact that she is being shallow, choosing carnally as opposed to rationally, and has a little bit of growing up to do.

 

The equivalent to this in the Guy World is when guys get out of a relationship with a catty, manipulating, jealous, psychotic girlfriend who ruled their lives with an iron first and he says something like this, “Mike, bro.  I’m sick of dating all of these high maintenance chicks.  My next girlfriend is going to be all chill and be able to hang out with the boys and me.  I want a chick with a good sense of humor too.”  This is also a sentence that can be construed as being hilariously false, or at least more concerned with not appearing shallow and to the larger population than being a statement of fact and a romantically cathartic moment.  He realistically will follow the next hot little thing he sees in a sundress once springtime rolls around.

 

So the larger issues we have to explore a little bit more are, “Why does this happen?”, “Why do girls date assholes?”

 

The first theory is that women who date assholes are inevitably overcome by their proclivity towards the more aesthetically pleasing man.  In other words, these women are physically incapable of helping themselves.  They are a sucker for a pretty face.  Every guy can relate to this every time they have held a door for an attractive young woman or perhaps left a massive tip for a pretty waitress.

 

I tend to think this is too simplistic and a far too scathing criticism of the female populace.  The more likely explanations come down to control and desire.  It is through understanding this that we understand why this has worked for assholes for so long.

 

Another theory is that when a woman sees an Asshole who is beautiful looking, they must reconcile their physical desires with the rational part of their brain that is telling them this guy is bad news.  In order for this reconciliation to occur, there needs to be a legitimate rationalization in order for the dating to continue.  The common rationalization is that this woman believes that she can get the asshole to change.  This comes down to a certain level of control that a woman believes that they can have over a man.  The dialogue that goes on in her head is,”If this guy is an asshole I shouldn’t date him, but if he isn’t an asshole, I can date him!  How do I get him to be not an asshole though?  Change him!” 

 

Once a woman has reached this level of delusion about attractive asshole men, they will set themselves up on a path to date assholes for at least a few years.

 

So the issue comes down to a woman’s desire to be able to change an asshole into Prince Charming because if she changes him then it speaks highly to the caliber of individual that she is.  Everyone will then shower her with praise for doing the social equivalent of taming a wild lion and teaching it speak Japanese.  This works in maybe 1% of all situations involving women and the assholes they think they can change.  Some women are just that good, but most are not.

 

The final theory concerns itself with the age old human tendency to want what we can’t have.  If a guy is an asshole and will not ultimately bend to her will or accept what she is giving to him emotionally, he is essentially “rejecting” a part of her.  If a guy goes on a date with a woman and he’s good looking but might not have the best manners and at the end of the date you’re somehow entranced by him, but he doesn’t call or he just treats you like crap in subsequent dates, women view this as a challenge.  No woman likes a slouch or a wuss.

 

This also boils down somewhat to the ego of the woman we are dealing with.  “How could he not want me?”  The goal is to make the guy want the girl more than the girl wants the guy.  The Asshole sometimes is aware of this though and this situation can lead to simple manipulation.

 

In the same vein of “wanting what we can’t have”, many women are told their entire lives by their parents to date nice boys with trust funds, who dress properly, play varsity sports and go to college.  As a form of rebellion, a young woman will date an asshole because she is not supposed to.

 

It might be for these same reasons that so many college kids drink so heavily, take drugs, get a piercing, and tattoos in college.  They want what they have been told not to have for their entire lives.  This is how it is with girls and dating assholes.

 

What we can learn from this discussion is that women are terribly complex creatures with an even more complex set of feelings, emotions, and agendas when it comes to dating males.  I have talked at length about the female ego and the unfortunate reality that many of them date assholes, but I must take a moment to be critical of men as well.

 

It speaks strongly to the strength of the male ego as well that many of them believe they are in fact those Other Guys that deserve the affection of women who are dating the Assholes.  There is a certain level of confidence, but there also might be a similar level of delusion in believing they are perfect for these females who date assholes.  Attraction is based so much more than simply physical desire; it is very much an emotional connection with the individual as well.  It is just as likely that the nice guy, for all his personality might have to offer, could be terribly lazy and unmotivated.  Or there might be a number of character flaws that any number of men posses that have prevented them from being with young women who date assholes and not them.  Brushing your teeth, showering, and having a job are a start.

 

The guilt in this social phenomenon doesn’t lie solely in the hands of women and whatever psychological process goes on that leads to this, but it also lies very squarely in the hands of young men who do not advocate for themselves and address any number of flaws that might have that could prevent them from being with the young women for whom they have affection.

 

One of the major things that might be overlooked in all of this is the one thing universally appealing about the Asshole.  Say what you want, but they are confident in who they are.  They have a purpose, direction, and plan when it comes to their lives whether it is who they are as a person, sexually or mentally; they have their shit together.  A man with a direction is a man people are at least sure of.  There is no gray area with the Asshole.  

 

He might be a less than desirable partner for a woman, but at least he knows who he is.  Sometimes that is the toughest part of being a person at all, let alone a guy.  I am in no way saying that guys have it that tough, they can pee standing up for goodness sake, but not only are they trying to figuring out who they are, but they’re also trying to figure out what you want as a side project.  It is the reconciliation of the two that is the stumbling block for the confidence of many males.  This is why many of the nice guys and funny guys, who might not have that physical presence to back their personality up, might shy away from being advocates for their own cause and sometimes, the Asshole gets the girl.

 

To wind this up finally, I have but two recommendations.  The first is for the women.  Ladies, guys will love you as long as you exist.  You are able to entrance them in a way that nothing else on this earth can.  This is a beautiful and powerful gift that you have, but you need to be sharing it with the right guys.  Loving a guy who is an asshole and expecting him to return that love in a way you want is unrealistic, unrewarding and will just end up hurting your heart.  You are wasting your time.

 

And finally to the men.  I know you’re frustrated.  I get it.  But you need to take a cue from these assholes in the confidence department.  If you think you are such a great guy and are perfect for Amanda and not that douchebag Steve, then say something.  You will not date 100% of the girls you don’t ask out.  Just go for it.  What do you have to lose?  You already don’t have the girl so you might as well take the chance that would get you one.  Be confident.  Be strong.  Be yourself.  That will shine through in the end.

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Responses

  1. I think you pretty much nailed it. However, I like to think of it in more of an “animalist” fashion. It is the same reason lionesses seek the strongest male with the biggest mane. Naturally, as a species, we are hardwired to seek the best possible carrier for our genes. This is why many of us are perceived as shallow, and I think that’s one of the reasons most women pursue the widely-dreaded asshole. Because, like you said, he is sure of himself and most likely excels in sports. I believe muscles and sports finesse are two things hardwired in a person’s genes. I, for one, happen to be in excellent shape; I’ve played basketball for as long as i can remember- BUT, I suck at it (and “suck” is an understatement). The fact that this kind of behavior is present mostly in teenagers (I.E. frontal lobe of the brain isn’t fully developed) supports my views in a way.

    I do realize this observation of teenage human behavior is rather cynical, but I believe that’s the problem behind what is being discussed here.

    -Jay

  2. After a while, though, the social stigma on the girl for dating such an asshole makes her rethink her illogical decisions. Hopefully, this is stronger than the hold that the asshole has on her brain.

  3. Paperdreamer. I think you’re absolutely right. One can only hope that at some point the girl gets her shit together and realizes that she is on her way to a mild psychotic break without some change.

  4. I have to agree with paperdreamer as well. It’s at this moment in a girl’s life that she finally wises up (and I use that in a positive sense, not saying she was clueless beforehand) and realizes that connection is more than a purely physical response. This, my friends, is when the Nice Guy is finally allowed to shine and ends up with the girl. Think of it as the Hollywood ending to our lives.

    Europe is awesome.

  5. god speed tommy. hurry up and come home. i need my muse back. say wayme.

  6. I feel that most women that date assholes never really wise up. Even after marrying a nice guy, they still are attracted to the assholes. So they cheat during their midlife crisis. Is there any hope?

  7. When I fall in love with a woman, its usually what’s inside her that makes her attractive. So why do women go for the guys with pecs and Malignant Narcissist Syndrome? This is something I don’t understand. I know a woman who dates this total cunt who has hardly any friends, and the few people who hang around him are only his girlfriends pals, who are abused by him anyway. I believe it is certain he has Remorse Deficit Disorder. And for some reason, all the girls fall for him, and not because he is ‘hot’ but for a new reason – he had a bad childhood, boohoo. Yeah, thats something to fall in love with; A hostile, antisocial cunt with a sob story. Besides, I find that beautiful people get absurdly ugly when they hit 40…


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