Posted by: robinsonwarner | August 20, 2008

Michael Phelps, Yoda, and Other Vice Presidential Candidates

I’m sick of people talking about who is going to be a better President of the United States.  It’s fairly clear that it Barack Obama is the guy for the job.  John McCain not only should be renamed Fartypants McOldperson, but the guy just looks oddly vacant and unable to keep up with what is going on around him.  Every time he goes to a rally or fundraiser it just feels like Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed.  You’re just too old to be here pops and frankly your presence is just eerily out of place and there is no way this can be remedied.  I feel that John McCain is one more notch of desperation away from singing “I Kissed a Girl” by Katy Perry on stage to get more people to like him.

Well now I’m doing what I didn’t want to do.  The point is that I want to talk about potential vice presidents for both candidates that would lead to them getting the most votes and ultimately winning the presidency.

Before I begin, I would like to thank my friend Kathleen for the inspiration for this post.  Her blog is on the blog roll to your right.  It’s called Six Words to Change the World.  Please visit it.

Now, without further ado, here is a list of potential vice presidents for both Senator Obama and Senator Fartypants.

1.  Michael Phelps– There is literally no one hotter right now.  The guy has so much gold even King Midas is whispering to his now metallic daughter, “That’s a little bit far.  Don’t you agree poobear?”  In the debates, all Phelps has to do is just put his hand over his heart and start humming the national anthem.  The wave of patriotic nostalgia the crowd would be riding would be enough to send his running mate’s ticket all the way to the Whitehouse.

2. Yoda– He is the head of the Jedi council, the oldest of all the Jedi, and just a general baller.  I feel like his complex, but grammatically succint syntax would be enough to befuddle the most clever wordsmith at the debates.  Can’t you just see the other VP candidate looking like a complete moron by just saying, “Well in response to Master Yoda… wait what did he say?”  Yoda would then repeat, “What plans for Iraq infrastructure and democratic constitution have you?”  If the past two presidential elections are any indication, the public isn’t necessarily concerned with a candidate that speaks traditional english.  Now I’m well aware Yoda doesn’t really exist, I’m just saying we could get George Lucas and one of Jim Hensen’s disciples to rig the same puppet with the same voice.  That would be baller.

3. Christian Bale – Now that his legal troubles are out of the way, I think if Bale just showed up in complete Dark Knight regalia and spoke in that gruff voice he does as Batman, people might legitimately believe Batman is real.  Plus that voice would scare the crap out of his opponent.  His commitment to justice is unparalleled.

4.  Oprah– I think this is a bit of a no brainer here.  Oprah literally has women over forty in the palm of her hand.  All of them.  I think she might even be more powerful than Master Yoda.  Don’t believe me?  Feast your eyes on this example.  In February of 2005, when Oprah had Lance Armstrong on her show, she “challenged” her viewers to go and order Livestrong bracelets.  They bought 900,000 bracelets in 24 hours. That is power that money, or a mastery of The Force, cannot buy.  All she did was challenge them to do it.  Imagine if she asked them.  Lance Armstrong would probably be running the United States of Armstrong if Oprah willed it to be so. 

5.  Me – Look, I know that some of you are hesitant when I say this, but what does a vice president really do.  I mean just kind of hang out, break some ties in the Senate, live the dream.  I’m really good at living the dream.  I mean I would have to be Obama’s running mate because of my storied past of instigating socialist rebellions in South America.  Plus I own a copy of the Communist Manifesto.  It’s pocket sized.  And if Obama wins the presidency, for the people who are worried about bad things happening to him, be reassured in the fact that the Secret Service is one hundred times more worried than you are.  Everywhere that dude goes will be so locked down, people will barely be able to fart within a mile radius of a speaking appearance without severe legal rammifications.  I also could be really good at just making some old guy that McCain picks as his running mate look like just another Fartypants doppleganger. 

Gov. Fartypants:  Well I’m just concerned what your plan is Mr. Warner in dealing with the situation in Iraq and how do we stop the threat of global terror while maintaining a diplomatic relationship in the Middle East.

Me:  We’re going to send Shawn Johnson over there.  She’s adorable.  She’ll sort things out.  What I’m more concerned about, Governor Fartypants, is what your administration would do to resolve the Tupac Shakur and Christopher Wallace murders that, as of today, remain unsolved.

Gov. Fartypants:  Who are those men?

Me:  Owned!

Once this happens early in the debates, the momentum will have shifted towards my anti-Fartypants platform of solving the Biggie and Tupac murders immediately following the total resolution of global terrorism.  I would be like the goblin shark of the presidential race:  completely unheard of until now and striking with Alien-like precision at my opponents.



  1. Michael, I am so disappointed in you. I think you are disrespectful and condescending about Senator MCCain. Anyone, not just you needs their head examined which includes alot of what I thought were good people for supporting a person Like Barak Obama. Just remember those Gold Medals will never be the Medal Of Honor!

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