Posted by: robinsonwarner | August 20, 2008

Shawn Johnson: The Cure for the Common War

I’m sure you all have been watching the Olympics in the past few weeks and the antics of the women’s gymnastic team.  They have been doing a fair amount of ownage on the rest of the world in gymnastics which is nice to see since China’s women gymnastics team looks sixteen the way I can grow a manly lumberjack beard.  In other words, not at all.  There hasn’t been this much concern over the age of young girls since freshmen move in day at my college.

But the point is that the United State’s women gymnastics team has been kicking some international ass.  More specifically, the two American gymnasts Nastia Liukin and Shawn Johnson.  Now I want you all to bear with me on this one, but I think Shawn Johnson is one of the world’s first genetically engineered human beings.  I’m not talking about for gymnastics.  No, that would be cheating.  I’m talking about for cuteness.  Have you seen the closeup shots of this adorable little girl?  She’s 4’11 and looks like tinkerbell had a child with Mr. Tumnus from Narnia and then that child was given gene treatment from a chipmunk and the Head of the Lollipop Guild by the US government.  She’s got that little precocious grin whenever she wins those medals and she’s a total crowd pleaser too; waving all the time, posturing and generally realizing that she’s got the cute goods to win over the hearts of the most hardened crowd of communists.  Somewhere Kim Jong-Il is pining for a Shawn Johnson of his own.

Now if movies have taught us anything, it’s that anything novel, captivating and polarizing can be used for military purposes.  So, with this in mind I believe we just need to send Shawn Johnson to Iraq to calm everyone down over there.  Just send her to every single peace negotation or just plop her in front of a terrorist group.  Before the talks are about to begin, just have her walk in with that little cute smile of hers and this is the only thing you will here for the next twenty seconds: “Aaawwwwwwwww!  She is just the cutest!”  This is from a guy holding an AK-47 while trying to burn the American flag.  He will realize that any country capable of producing a human being this adorable must be doing something right and maybe, just maybe they’ll stop shooting at our troops.

I mentioned that I believe Shawn Johnson was indeed genetically engineered for cuteness, but not necessarily for gymnastics.  She learned to appreciate things other than just being adorable and it was a long road to the top of the gymnastics worlds.  It’s like Remember the Titains, Millenium Man and Bring It On all rolled up into a nice little 4’11 Hollywood story.  I feel like this is the next movie role for Dakota Fanning.

So once again, gentle readers, I encourage you to write your representatives to help stop the War on Terror and bring the troops home by just harmlessly and swiftly sending Shawn Johnson over to the hostile countries of the world.  We will start with Iraq and then maybe Iran to try to just have everyone calm the fuck down.

That’s all for now, some guy Kim is on the phone.  He’d like to make a deal.



  1. ola shawn eu sou do brasil
    vc e a melhor ginastica
    que eu ja vie
    as brasileiras
    ñ tava com nada
    mas elas si sairan bem

  2. i don’t exactly know what you’re saying. i noticed that you said something about “gymnastics”, “brazil”, “shawn” and maybe the word “nothing”. I would absolutely love to know what you’re saying in English, however, as an American, I am incredibly adept at knowing no other languages other than English. I tried a translator, but let’s just say that made less sense than the foreign langauge I’m currently looking at.

  3. hahahahahahahaha

    “…and maybe the word nothing.”

    Too good.

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