Posted by: robinsonwarner | September 12, 2008

Gorillas, Cookies, and Other Random Musings

Every time I eat a chocolate chip cookie I start to again entertain the idea that God exists.  Then I look at how many calories are in each one and I’m quickly convinced that He doesn’t.  If God were real, chocolate chip cookies would make you smarter, be a full part of a well balanced diet, replace Viagra and make you better at Scrabble.

Why did they stop making movies about gorillas?  Remember in the mid and late nineties where there was a long string of really bad movies about gorillas?  Born to Be Wild, Mighty Joe Young, Congo, Monkey Business, Instinct all came out in the 1990’s.  Hell, even George of the Jungle “starring” Brendan Fraser and Judd Apatow’s wife was only greenlit because of the assumption that George would have gorilla friends and shenanigans would ensue.  Were a bunch of film producers attacked by gorillas at the turn of the century and which caused gorillas to fall out of favor?  And the question is, what animal is the most popular in Hollywood now?  What do they say at executive board meetings?  Oh yeah, Beverly Hills Chihuahua was a real good idea for a movie.  Might want to go back to gorillas or start working on six Wall-E singles. 

What if there is a fire and someone rushes to pull the alarm and they can’t break that glass rod?  What happens then?  Do they get someone to help them?  I’m guessing that person would be so incredibly mortified they would rather let the building burn down than admit they couldn’t break the rod and that they required assistance.  This is one of my greatest personal fears that this might happen to me.  That and all of the water in the world being turned into bees (Thanks Chase).

One of the most awkward things is when you hear two or more other people laughing hysterically at something in the other room.  Then they show you this “hilarious” thing and you literally couldn’t be less impressed.  It’s not that you crack a smile or giggle lightly, it’s just that it isn’t funny.  You’ll never see someone’s smile melt away faster once they realize your standards for hilarity stretch beyond the strange coincidence that people are wearing similar colored gym shorts.

Another awkward moment is when someone is looking through your iPod.  That iPod is not meant to be seen by the greater public.  You always have songs on there that were never meant to be seen by any eyes other than yours.  And you forget this and you are completely blindsided when someone starts going through your songs.  You also get kind of uneasy and have an excuse for every lame song that you can’t help but love.  “Oh my friend downloaded this.”  “Oh I meant to take this off.  So lame.”  But in reality you cherish songs.  Something like this happened to me the other day when we had people over to our house for dinner and my roommate put my iPod on the speakers and Mandy Moore’s “I Wanna Be With You” came on the shuffle.  We had a laugh at my expense and told them I used to like the song.  My roommmate switched the playlist to “Most Played” and then Mandy Moore came on again.  I was totally busted and without a viable excuse.  These are the things you don’t think about when you’re jamming out on that iPod.

Is it not the longest three to four minutes of your life when your friend tells you “this is the best song”, they play it for you, and you hear it and you instantly realize that you would rather hear retards having sex to a Yanni-Kenny G collaboration than finish the song?

I’m convinced there’s an undiscovered organism that lives in laundry rooms across the globe that survives only on socks.  But they only eat one sock in the pair.

I’ve been eating chocolate chip cookies for nineteen years and Chips Ahoy! cookies for sixteen of them.  I just figured out twenty minutes ago that “Chips Ahoy!” is clever because it sounds like “Ships Ahoy”.

When driving by houses that have Direct TV I will refer to the dishes on top of houses as satellites.  I really hope other people on the planet have made this mistake at least more than once.

I’m at the point where I’m just really sick of the snooty attitude I get from the people who work at the deli at the grocery store.  Yeah I get it, I’m a big fucking fatty because I asked for a pound and a half of smoked turkey.  I’m a big guy and I eat a lot of sandwhiches.  Do your job and make with the thin slicing.

I believe that all Americans who go to a bar and ask for a “pint of…” are really just trying to sound cool and European.  I do this on a weekly basis.

Whenever I was at my apartment in college and someone would say “we have enough beer” I just kind of thought that was admitting defeat a little early in the night.

I think an application on Facebook should be the ability to list the name of your favorite stuffed animal/blanket growing up.  Then I think people should rate them and be really honest about it. “‘First’ is a dumb name for a blanket, Robinson.”  If anyone would say that to me I would simply explain what a rational baby I was because it was my “first” blanket therefore it would be dubbed “First”.  You all should pray your children are that levelheaded.  I’ll also slash your tires.

A law should be passed where all restaurant employees are required to tell the customers to calm down and take their time so that they wouldn’t Panic Order.  I think people would be a lot happier if this happened and they wouldn’t go home with leftovers of Grasshopper Poop Gumbo.   

That’s all for now.  Everyone have a great weekend.



  1. The name of my blanket growing up was “Wubby”; as in, “Don’t touch that, that’s my Wubby.”

  2. how about you become a little more original and get rid of that wubbby bullshit

  3. you forgot the movie Dunsten Checks In…great movie

  4. oh i can’t believe i forgot that one! good one hinks. i think also that monkey business was about a smaller monkey and not a gorilla, but i mean let’s be serious, they’re all the same.

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