Posted by: robinsonwarner | October 1, 2008

A Cut Above

I was recently having a discussion with a friend about sandwiches.  You must be thinking, “Wow, Robinson is as big of a square as I thought.”  You’re probably right, but we began a discussion about the importance of cutting sandwiches when they are on standard standwhich bread.  Now when I say “sandwhich bread” I am not talking about you obnoxious patricians who go to the grocery store and spend more than thirty seconds to pick out bread called Pumpernickel Starcluster.  I hate you.  Stick to the normal stuff.  You don’t have to be indy with your bread too.

Sandwich bread is of course white, wheat, rye, maybe oatmeal.  I don’t want to get into too many different, but the more basic, the better.  I hated the kids who, when you asked what was on their sandwich, say “(insert meat) on…. (insert type of bread).”  When someone describes their sandwich fixings and then says on what type of bread they are subtley letting you know they are better than you because you have turkey on Wonderbread and support the Corporations while they have fat free honey baked ham on Anadama Grain Orgy.  Plus it gives that person the sense of satisfaction for being healther than you.  Slow your roll douchebag.  Haha, get it?  Roll!  Like bread.  I hate myself.

So back to the cut of the sandwich.  So once the lunchroom pals had assembled and everyone pulled out their sandwhiches I would always be incredibly concerned for the poor kid who either had their sandwich sliced by their mother into boring ass rectangles.  For those whose mothers cut their sandwiches into rectangles I can only ascertain a few pieces of information from your situation:

1)  You were an oops baby.

2) Your mother is a Republican.

I can picture the mothers who cut sandwiches for their kids into rectangles to be the same mothers who had book club with John Lithgow’s character in Footlose.

Then there are those people who have purposely slice their sandwiches into rectangles consider their wildest night to be that time they had two sodas with dinner and went to bed past midnight after watching the Three Stooges marathon.  There is also a certain level of self loathing involved with the individual who cuts their sandwich this way so they should be placed on suicide watch immediately.  An intervention of sorts is also recommended.

Now for those people who had triangle cut sandwiches, there isn’t necessarily anything stupendous about them, it’s just that there is less than a 10% chance that they will start playing Dungeons and Dragons in their parents basement on weekends or shoot up their office with a nail gun after the years of being deprived of a triangle shaped sandwich half.


  1. Anadama Grain Orgy~You crack me up rob, ack though you haven’t answered all my ‘male’ questions yet. Were you intimidated or did I make you roll your eyes back in your head??

    sandwhich triangle cutters, the same mothers who cut the crust off!

  2. sandwich is spelled S-A-N-D-W-I-C-H rob!!!!! come on.

  3. i feel that my spelling error(s) would be excusable if i didn’t spell it wrong fifteen times.

  4. Last night my friends and I were playing a game called “this or that”…basically just a game of Would You Rather. One of the questions was “If you had to give up sandwiches or sex for a year, which would you choose?” Not as easy as it looks.

  5. I don’t think I could give up either. However, I have this friend… and the problem is if you’re already 1/3 of the way there on one of those fronts, and I’m not going to say which. Should you try to challenge yourself and just see if you can do it?

  6. Um, NO. If there’s nothing at stake, there’s no reason to give up either for any extended period of time. You’ll get no respect for that. Just imagine sitting in a circle of friends and being like, “Guys. Guess what? I totally gave up sex/sandwiches for a whole year, just cause.” No one will be impressed, and you will have had a pretty bad year.

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