The Zombie Revolution

Picture this.  You’re a woman and you wake up one day and look outside your window.  Houses are on fire.  Fire hydrants are spraying water.  Car alarms are going off and there is an eerie feel to your neighborhood.  No one is around except bodies that are aimlessly walking towards you.  You don’t quite understand so you call to the person stumbling towards you.  As the person gets closer you notice that something is incredibly wrong.  They have a vacant look on their face and their eyes are a strange shade of white.

It is at this point that we have two options.

a) If female, scream and allow person to bite you. 

b) If male, bash that fuckers head in with the blunt instrument you have equipped yourself with.

It should be clear to most of you that what we’re dealing with is the Zombie Revolution.  Inexplicably the dead have come back to life and they are turning other people into the undead.  What could you possibly do?  Contact the nearest man and he has a plan.  I guarantee it.

Every guy, since hearing of the concept of a zombie has been formulating a plan for what will happen if the Zombie Revolution takes place.  But that’s just it.  Most guys think about this event as not a matter of if , but when.  Guys will think very seriously about these things and their preparation usually revolves a few basic plans.  For the ladies reading who are in complete disbelief, ask your respective boyfriend or close guy friend and if you ask them, in earnest, what they would do if there was a zombie invasion tomorrow.  It will look something like this:

Cheryl:  Tom, I feel silly asking this, but if there was a zombie invasion tomorrow what would you do?

Tom:  *suddenly very serious* Well I would first head down to the trading post and grab as many guns as possible while also grabbing as many gas cans as possible in the event of our eventual need to make a run for a boat or island that is potentially not devastated by the Zombie Revolution.  We would need close range as well as long range weapons and we would need to move in a strict phalanx formation while weeding out the infected from the uninfected and making our way towards the fire station.

Cheryl:  Why the fire station?

Tom: GOD Cheryl! Do I have to explain everything?  The fire station is fortified with brick, they have vehicles, axes and access to communication equipment to talk with other potential survivors.  We could do that or the mall.

Cheryl:  Who are you?! And yes, the mall sounds great.  Nordstrom is having a sale.

Still don’t believe me ladies?  Don’t believe that every single guy you know has a plan?  Ask them this question.

Cheryl:  If you could have one weapon for the Zombie Revolution.  What would it be?

Tom: *without hesitation*Baseball bat or kitana.

 

Cheryl:  What the heck is a kitana?

 

Tom:  GOD Cheryl!  It’s a sword used by the samurais, the shogun protectorate of the city-state in Japan up through the feudal era in the late 19th century.

 

Cheryl:   Who are you?!

 

Now there are several key reasons to why men are not only prepared for the zombie revolution but also kind of looking forward to it. 

 

Firstly, there are no rules.   Men hate rules more than anything.  Both written and unwritten.  This is because for years while they were growing up they weren’t allowed to fight or hit people with baseball bats or drive one hundred miles per hour on the highway in a firetruck equipped with chainsaws and a turret gun.  It’s tough for guys.

 

Secondly, they get to use their Zombie List.  What is a Zombie List you ask?  Well it’s a mental list a guy keeps of the people he would hang out with in the event of the Zombie Revolution.  It’s generally a list of his buddies who have certain admirable qualities.  For example, I would absolutely choose my best friends from college because not only do they understand the gravity of the situation but they also understand the different strategies.  They would also make good decisions regarding survival which leads to the final reason.

 

Thirdly, weapons.  Guys love weapons.  In fact they love weapons almost as much as they hate rules.  Guys hate rules partially because it forbids the casual use and display of weapons.  Guys are really bent out of shape that people don’t just carry around swords anymore.  Try not to bring it up.  But weapon selection is an important part of the Zombie List.  Bats, golf clubs, swords, even a bowling pin would be effective.  But weapon choice should generally be roughly the length of a baseball bat and be able to either bash a head in or cut one off.  Every guy knows this and often will determine his Zombie List through a simple screening process.

 

Jeff: Yeah I know last night was so crazy.  Say, in the event of the Zombie Revolution, what one weapon would you use?

 

Rob:  That’s easy!  Ninja stars bro.  Those things are bad ass.

 

Jeff:  I see.  What is your second choice?

 

Rob: Definitely a blow gun.

 

Jeff:  I see.

 

In this case, Jeff will mentally note that Rob would have to be ditched in the event of the Zombie Revolution because ninja stars are of finite usage and a blowgun would be completely ineffective against a staggering or sprinting zombie horde.

 

I’m not sure where guys are expecting to find an abundance of samurai swords during the Zombie Revolution, but I think we all imagine that there is some sort of box in every building that says, “In Case of Zombies, Break Glass”, and happy Kwanza, you’ve got a kitana.  I’m sure FEMA has taken care of it.

 

The next reason, and one of the most important, is that during the Zombie Revolution, anarchy has broken out and guys are allowed to break rules.  For example, on a normal day, if someone who is sick looking comes staggering towards you, the end result would be you calling 911 and helping this person out.   Not on the day of the Zombie Revolution.  That fucker comes walking toward you and you open up a bonanza of whoop ass on that zombie’s face.  You can’t do things like this in a normal day.  We’re told to “use our words” to deal with anger, or to “not wipe our boogers on the side of the couch (even though no one will ever see that side of the couch)”, or the “trellis isn’t for karate practice” or “no football with grandma’s urn of ashes”.  Guys get carte blanche to misbehave because survival is the only thing that matters.

  

The most important thing to consider is that guys spend every day holding in their aggression and testosterone fueled shenanigans and the Zombie Revolution is basically a perpetual valve of release as well as an excuse to break the rules.  Your family was devoured?  Take it out on the zombies.  Rick was a douche and ate the entire rationof Mike and Ikes?  Take it out on the zombies.

 

It is also a perfectly normal for a guy to want to destroy things.  To, as Fight Club posits, “destroy something beautiful”.  Freud called this thanatos or the urge to destroy.  Ask any guy about playing with Legos or K’Nex and how he would be in the middle of building something, feel something weird in his gut, and then just throw it against the wall or wreck it with his hands.  This would usually be followed by a twisted smile or a roar so as to emulate a T. Rex. 

 

 We spend our whole lives building our lives, our homes, our families, our bodies, our resumes, our vocabularies, our music collections, our wardrobe, but the Zombie Revolution will blink it all out in an instant and guys will become the ultimate utilitarian.  The most good for the most people by killing of those who can’t be saved.  We must destroy humanity to rebuild it.  And we are going to roar while we’re doing it.

 

For those of you who read this and still think, “Not my guy.  No way.  He’s normal.” …  well you’re fooling yourself.  If you don’t believe me, the next time you catch a guy spacing out when you walk into a new building; quickly spring this question on him, “Do you think this would hold up in the case of the Zombie Revolution?”

 

He will be hesitate, but quickly respond, “No. There are too many points of entry.”

 

“Who are you?!”

 

“I’m a man.”

 

 

*Update 1/6/09* I would like to formally apologize for any jaded female readers.  It seems I was clearly overstated in my assumption that women don’t have plans for the Zombie Revolution.  It seems girls think about this stuff too.  I’m still guessing not as much as guys.  But prove me wrong womenfolk.  If you’re a woman and you read this blog and you do indeed know what is up when it comes to zombie survival, please shed some light on my ignorant assumptions.  And gentlemen, you’re letting me down here.  There is only one guy comment on this thing  (Thanks to my boy Jimmy).  Let’s get some feedback either way folks.  How will you survive?  Stay strapped y’all.

-Robinson