Posted by: robinsonwarner | October 14, 2009

Gorilla Warfare

Have you ever heard girls talking about their jealous boyfriends?  “Oh my boyfriend is totally jealous.  He gets so upset when I talk to other guys at the bar”, or, “Josh gets so jealous when I dance provocatively with other guys at the bar covered in KY jelly”, or, “Randy hates when I enter wet t-shirt contests.”  All the other girls in the room will nod approvingly that their friend’s boyfriend as well as their own often need to take it down a notch.  Jealousy is not something to be desired in their male partners.

Stop it.  Just stop.  All males are jealous to some extent.  Maybe Gandhi didn’t but even he was known to roll on some suckas when they tried to, as he called it, “get all up on his Kool-Aid”.  Even when guys are cool with you hanging out with your guy friends or he waves genially when he sees you at a bar talking to an undetermined male, he is on high… fucking… alert.  The Russians are trying to give missiles to Castro, Hitler has taken the Sudetenland, the Ark of the Covenant is in danger if you know what I mean.  He might seem calm to you, but his radar is going off nonstop.  And it’s not just him.  All of his guy friends sense that there is something threatening a member of the pack.  Their radar is going off as well.

Millions of years of social interaction and evolution that has made us fiercely defensive about our women.  Women nowadays we are as civilized as we are about it.  They are lucky that “manners” and “social grace”  have prevented men from finding the nearest nearest blunt object and stomp menacingly up to the other male waving the instrument violently.  Social grace and reason has made us quell the dragons of jealously into a very controllable, understood feeling.  We acknowledge the roar, but we have to say, “Not now dragon. Everything is fine.  Save it for the zombie apocalypse.”

And if men didn’t have social grace/appropriateness, then every single bar scene, dance club or restaurant where both sexes are allowed (all of them) would look something like this:


You’re thinking, “Well what about the circumstances where guys do actually lose their heads and appear to turn into gorilla/cavemen when they are out at these social places?”  This brings us to the X-factor:  alcohol.  When guys imbibe alcohol even without the presence of women they will do foolish things:  eat a bouquet of taquitos from 711, throw ping pong balls into plastic cups, fight, soil themselves, etc.  It is with excessive alcohol consumption we see the last vestiges of humanity leave a guy as he is reduced to Epicurean impulses:  food, drink, sex, and sleep.  Combine the unavoidable loss of civilized behavior with these already latent jealous tendencies (that are problematic even in a sober state of mind), there are bound to be incidents.

Jealousy is also the reason guys get back together with their ex girlfriends, or at least think about it.   The idea of their woman with another guy is so unbearable that he will engage himself back in a relationship that had already proven itself to be dysfunctional.  Even if he broke up with this woman and he is dating someone else and is completely happy, when he hears that his old girlfriend is banging/dating/married to another guy, the dragon in his stomach perks his head up, destroys a peasant’s home and then resumes his slumber in the Cave of Unfathomable Rage.

A lot of this is a result of men’s memory being very similar to a goldfish prone to extremely wishful thinking.  The wishful thinking is that every single woman they’ve ever been with was so emotionally decimated by their departure that they swore themselves to a life of celibacy, or became a lesbian.  The male ego has a very difficult time dealing with the reality of the situation that all women move on to have wonderful, productive, levity infused lives with their ex boyfriends.  This is why they engage in acutely irrational behavior; such as getting back into relationships that have proven themselves to be rife with discord.

You can’t take it personally though.  It is not that all men have been spurned by the cuckoldry of women.  Most women are faithful, supportive, caring, human beings who would not even dream of messing with their guy’s head or being unfaithful in the way men often suspect.  And ladies, this may seem counterintuitive based on his actions, but he actually does trust you, honestly.  But all men are a house divided which means there is a constant struggle between their civilized, sociable, non-feces throwing side as well as their Dragon Rage, feces throwing, grunting, and jealousy prone side.

And when a guy sees a strange male near his gal, instinct tells him that something is wrong.  He can’t explain it and if his partner asked him later that night why he was staring at Tommy like he murdered his grandmother with a kitten, the guy, for the life of him, won’t be able to tell you.  He’ll just know that something was wrong; he could feel it in his gut. 

Why do men act this way?  Well I’ll tell you:  instinct has reminded him that other men used to bonk women on the head and drag them to their caves and make whoopie with them against their wills.  It is this innate feeling of imminent head bonking of their woman that makes men jealous.  The feeling is an unsubstantiated lack of control because, when men were getting their start, the fidelity of their women was out of their hands.  It was often subject to the whim and impulses of other men;  which, we all know, are not to be trusted.  It’s not that they don’t trust you, it’s just  their primitive selves telling them something is askew in their world and some sort of reaction is necessary.  I mean who knows?  Tommy might have a club in his jeans.  You don’t know him.  And if it isn’t a club in his pants then it’s even more reason to keep him away from your woman.

It’s funny because I was talking about a penis.


  1. […] guys, when the text frequency becomes irregular, they will generally assume there is another guy ruining things for them.  This will generally result in lots of grunting and maybe even throwing […]

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