Posted by: robinsonwarner | October 23, 2009

Risky Business

Having your own space is amazing.  Whether it’s a room, car, cubicle, locker, or desk, our own space is very important to us.  It gives us a medium where we can express our individuality.  We are not all artists or creative geniuses but we all at least possess personal preferences.  I don’t qualify myself as a particularly creative person, but right above my desk in my apartment is a clipping about owls attacking skiers in Bangor, Maine.  This says two things about me:  firstly, I am really good with scissors, and secondly, I am terrified of owls.  If I am ever killed by owls, the moment right before I am savagely torn apart by their talons, I will think, “They finally found me.”  If this doesn’t convince you of the real intent of owls then we are already lost.


Digressions and owls aside, our space reflects who we are and it enables us to engage in a particular kind of freedom that most people in the world don’t have the luxury of enjoying.  So that’s why when our parents leave us with the house to ourselves we get a brief glimpse into the brighter side of homeownership and thusly individual expression and personal preference.  It is because we enjoy this brand of liberty so much that when the house is ours, we get really excited.  Here are some of the best things to do when you have the house to yourself.

Watch Rated R movies – Is there anything that harkens back more swiftly to the days of yesteryear than watching a movie you’re not supposed to?  Mom and Dad are gone, I’m finally allowed to watch The Mask.  Everyone knows Jim Carey is prone to inappropriate behavior.  Even as an “adult” , there is nothing like sitting down and watching something profoundly adult in a space that, with the absence of your parents, is yours.

Have People Over –  This is a much trickier endeavor because you can’t invite people over when you’re at school.  One person tells another person and that person tells Charlene, who, everyone knows, has a big mouth.  Before you know it there are eighty people at your house, including several people you don’t know; some of which appear to hookers… or maybe your neighbors.  You can never really be sure with the Joneses.

The flip side to this is an evening with friends (drinks optional) where you are the esteemed host, bestowing your benevolent space on your friends to enjoy.  Let’s face it, people love dinner parties.

Shower – This might sound a little strange, but I think this is more particular to guys than girls.  Too many girls have seen Psycho and even more boys have seen it.   This film included, there are just too many instances in movies and television where something breaks into the house and “gets” the woman in the shower or immediately after she gets out.  Men take a shower because they secretly hope there is a robber, medium-sized monster or at the very least a zombie to be able to defend oneself against.  Every man wants to test their mettle against these foes especially when the man is most vulnerable.  It’s probably the closest thing an average male will get to being a gladiator.  Most of the times it’s just pesky old Whiskers spooking around in the pantry.  Everyone knows how she gets when she smells catnip.

Play loud music  – You won’t have to listen to complaints from your parents about your blasted rock and roll when you play it as loud as humanly possible when they aren’t there.  Let’s face it, parents equate everything that is wrong with our generation based on our music and what better way to really stick it to them than to show them you don’t care what they think than by playing your music when they aren’t there.  That’ll show them! 

Parents also believe that infernal rap hop is vile and ignorant.  I’ve never met an old person who can decipher a single rap verse, but they’re pretty inexplicably spot on when it comes to content.  I think it involves some combination of “Dateline” and Oprah.  If we, as a Younger Generation, ever were engaged in a lengthy land war against the older generation, a perfect code would be to just have young people rap messages back and forth.  The country would be ours in a matter of weeks.  However, we would need to keep them around in case we had to balance our checkbooks.  Because really, how often do we use our checkbooks?

So, my gentle snowflakes, what do you like to do when you have the house to yourself?  I’d love to hear.  And please, let’s keep it appropriate.  I’m not going to say it, but I don’t want to hear about anything that rhymes with “schmornography”.


  1. pretend i am an opera singer (naked of course)

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