Posted by: robinsonwarner | October 26, 2009

Things That Go Drunk In The Night, Part I

People like to get tipsy.  It’s an enjoyable social ritual that allows people to drink fermented grains and liquids in order to lower their inhibitions enough to dance and talk to members of the opposite sex.  Tolerances and preferences may vary, but the one constant is that everyone gets drunk if they have enough of the stuff.  Because everyone progresses differently on their drunk scale, it would be nigh impossible to discuss everyone’s progression of drunkenness during the evening.  Thus, it would seem to be more productive to identify the different kinds of drunks that you might see out and about during your drinking adventures.  Let’s face it:  these people are everywhere.

The Fred Astaire – Sometimes you just really need to dance.  People have a difficult time expressing themselves and they have an even more difficult time expressing themselves through the art of the dance.  And white people have an especially difficult time unless Journey is playing.  But sometimes the combination of bar music and alcohol hits the Sweet Spot which allows this individual to move around wherever they are in search of their dancing soulmate.  If Fate isn’t feeling cruel, drunk dancing people will find each other and have a ball together.  Other derivatives of the Fred Astaire include Guy Who Plays Air Guitar During “Freebird”, Girl Who Thinks Every Bar Is a Karaoke Bar, and People Swaying Side to Side Singing “Piano Man”.  Here are some Fred Astaires in action:

drunk dancing

The Sloth  – You can see this person sprawled out on the bar still conscious, but barely able to keep their eyes open.  They still manage to be double fisting vodka on the rocks, but who are we to judge?  They will strike up a conversation with anybody in close proximity and the subject of the conversation can vary between the awesomeness of boobs to how not drunk they are even if Suzy says so.  This will be me in ten years.

drunk at bar

The Good Times Guru  – This is generally a guy who has seen far too may episodes of “Entourage” and treats every drinking excursion to be the most “epic”, “legendary”, “Biblical” experience they have ever had.  This person proposes a lot of toasts and spits a lot while talking about “owning freshmen” later.  The Guru is convinced that the evening will end with everyone sleeping with Brazilian supermodel twins with a winning Powerball ticket in her knee high boots.  The only thing more unrealistic than the Guru’s expectations is his belief that he can keep going at the current clip all night with severe repercussions.  Relax, dude.  I don’t need Kahlua on my Quiznos.  All the Good Time Gurus think they look like this…

good times guru

… but they’re really huge tools.  Shhh, don’t tell them though;  their egos are like cold eggshells.  They actually look like this, what Hot Chicks With Douchebags calls The Four Horsemen of the Douchepocalypse.


The Gamers – These are people who are very committed to two things in life:  getting silly and competing.  What better way than to combine the two?  Gamers can be seen at a bar or party playing quarters, card games or beer pong (Yes, Jon.  Beer pong) with the utmost of discipline.  Their commitment to the two disciplines leaves them drunk and tight knit.  Gamers are prone to a drinking life of isolation if they’re not careful based on the self removal from the general ebb and flow of a party. 

Drinking games do get very serious very quickly so the problem arises is that it isn’t necessarily appropriate to scream “asshole” at the top of you lungs at the conclusion of card game.


Spring Breaker – This is the girl who is seen taking a few too many shots, her clothes are becoming progressively more chaotic, and whose tenuous concept of bodily physics is beginning to become a dangerous situation for all around her.  She takes a lot of pictures with her friends with her tongue out while also making hand gestures that denote her general life philosophy of “rocking on” or “hanging loose”.  She will also have flailing arms, and will grab onto  non-wasted people.  The Spring Breaker has incredible durability based on the frequency that they fall down, bump into things and knock over drinks.  She will seem like the life of the party for about an hour before she has managed to piss off everyone in the bar and falls asleep making out with the coat rack.

spring break

The Monsoon – This is the girl who can’t… stop… crying.  Yes, there is legitimate chemical precedent for why women cry when they’re drunk, but it doesn’t make it any less annoying.  The Monsoon can be seen attracting attention for one reason or another.  It’s probably because she thought of the ending of “The Proposal” and just became overwhelmed with how beautiful it was.  For those looking to comfort The Monsoon, beware of giving her more alcohol and of giving her hugs as her mascara will rub off on your shirt.  Plus, Jesus Christ, it’s not like you missed the pinata at your seventh birthday party.  Get over it.  You’re in public.


The Nomad – The Nomad is an extravert that becomes a trifle overwhelmed when they go to a bar or a party.  They are so excited by the prospect of being in public that they need to walk around the party just to check shit out.  Who is there?  Maybe there’s something exciting happening downstairs?!  Maybe I just like people almost a little bit too much and I have a difficult time standing still?!  Probably. 

The Nomad will drink faster just so they have an excuse to go find the keg to make the rounds people or go walk up to the bar to do the same thing.  The Nomad, based solely statistics, is more prone to tripping and falling when intoxicated because of their frequent mobility. 

The Nomad doesn’t have a particular look or any noticeable characteristics other than the ones mentioned, but reserach has shown they live in structures that look like this:



Look for Part II tomorrow.


  1. Dude. PONG RULES. At first when I heard you were writing a blog I was like, “computers are for the nerds I punish.” Then I saw you were writing about sick shit like owning freshman, drinking, and pong tourneys, and I’ve totally changed my mind.

  2. A. favorite line = “She will seem like the life of the party for about an hour before she has managed to piss off everyone in the bar and falls asleep making out with the coat rack.”

    B. Confession: I=the nomad. Especially the part about “going to find the keg” being my favorite excuse to go make new friends.

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