Posted by: robinsonwarner | October 27, 2009

Things That Go Drunk In The Night, Part II

You’re groggy, dehydrated and you have to pee.  You have a splitting headache and it’s later in the day than you thought.  You’re not quite sure where you are and you most certrainly would prefer death than any sort of movement.  You’re hungover.

Every Saturday and Sunday millions of people wake up hating their lives because of the terrible decisions they’ve made the night before.  Why do we do it if the outcome is regrettable?  Well, as the late Mitch Hedburg wisely said, “You won’t stop eating apples just because they eventually become apple cores.”  People drink because it makes them feel silly.  However, despite feeling silly, as in physics, for every action there is an equal or opposite reaction.  So if you’re really super hammered on Friday night then Saturday morning you’re going to be really super hungover on Saturday morning.  All people get hungover in a different way, but there are clear, common signs that are applicable to all of us.  Here is the common progression of everyone’s hangover.

Level 1Cloudy With a Chance…

You’ll wake up wearing the clothes you planned on but a minor headache and manageable dehydration.  The disorder you can look forward to will be minor, i.e. shoes and socks on ground as well as other potpourri and knick knacks strewn about.  There is nothing to be alarmed about if you find paraphernalia that points to you listening to Kelly Clarkson before bed.  This is all perfectly normal.

Level 2 – The Albatross –

Your room looks a trifle more disastrous.  You have to pee a little bit too much and you’re noticeably uncomfortable.  You might notice you left your socks on or your pants are only halfway off.  There’s an empty glass next to your bed which is about as useful as one of those yellow straws that comes with your Capri Sun pouch.  There is evidence of food consumption such as Cheez-Its or Tostitos.  Nothing to be ashamed of.  You’ve pulled up your computer and you’ve noticed that you were looking at pictures on Facebook from last summer.

Level 3 – Waterloo

You have a very unpleasant headache.  Your mouth tastes like a Gila monster has hatched eggs in it.  You’re wearing all of your clothes still.  You have food stains from your leftovers that you ate with your bare hands right before bed.  You have traces of your self-esteem left, but it plummets exponentially with the more drunk shrapnel you find.  You wonder how all of your clothes managed to get out of your dresser and onto your desk.  Your computer definitely has pictures of that hottie from class who you think keeps looking at you but it’s difficult to tell.  Good thing you sent her a friend request.  There is a trashcan next to your bed.  You peer into it carefully but thankfully there’s no vomit.  You’re just so responsible.  Despite this shred of order, your life is progressing towards irrevocable shambles.

Level 4 – Little Big Horn

You’re wearing your belt around your head and your roommate’s sweatpants.  You’re convinced someone cracked an egg in your mouth while you were sleeping and then minced a clove of garlic on top of it.  Clothes, papers and fast food wrappers are everywhere.  You’re missing your wallet, but you know that you wouldn’t have any money even if you did.  You’ll find it in the toaster oven later.  Your head feels like the Book of Revelations fed intravenously and you have random cuts all over your body.  You will vomit in ten minutes and you’ll ask God to strike you dead.

Level 5 – Murphy’s Law

You’re completely naked on the floor of your room.  You actually have your wallet but it’s missing all of your credit cards.  The only thing in it is a piece of paper with a drawing of a middle finger and a note to call a man named “Paper Staxx”.  The phone number has eleven digits.

It appears that someone cooked chili at some point during the evening that had Little Debbie Snack cakes and alfredo sauce as its main ingredient.  You find a receipt for seven hotdogs purchased at eighty-six cents a piece.  Your roommate will later inform you that you peed on him in the middle of the night and when he objected mid release you informed him not to worry because “it’s just a movie.”

You will check your trash can for vomit.  You’re relieved there are no visible signs, but your levity is short lived because your toilet looks like someone pureed a gerbil in it.  Everything that can go wrong most certainly has.  Your self-esteem is at -5 and you feel the need to renounce religion because no god would let its creatures feel this pain.

Part III on Thursday.

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