The Future Is In Your Hands

Funny line of the day from my friend Matt when I asked him how his job in finance is going, “We ran out of homeless people to set on fire this morning, but it’s ok becuase we just received a fresh shipment of puppies.”

I’m back from my Thanksgiving vacation so the posts should be more regular unless I can’t think of anything good to write about.

It’s amazing how you can be out with your friends having a drink or out to dinner and one girl in the party decides she has to go to the bathroom.  Then another.  Then another.  Before you know it the gaggle of people chatting boisterously has diminished to three lonely bros chugging their drinks and reverting back to discussing a local sports team… or boobs. 

The girls will be gone for roughly six and a half hours and come back laughing and in good spirits.  They might also have party favors or a festive hat.  They will just say, “Oh you know.  Girl’s room.”  They’ll sit back down and inform you that there was a line (there’s always a line) which is what kept them.  A girl letting you know there was a line in the bathroom is like letting people know that she ate her cereal with milk this morning; it’s understood. 

A girl might also let you know that only one of them had to pee and the other girls came along for company.  Now besides the obvious fact that women are going into the women’s room to talk about you, they all go because it’s actually fun.  I have been told on several occasions, by real life women, that girls are talking and laughing, putting on make up, sharing stories, chewing gum, sometimes playing pinball while they’re in the women’s room.  This socializing evolved out of necessity from the long lines that are constantly plaguing the women’s bathroom.  Because ya know, girls have to pee sitting down… so it takes longer.  I have to know though, is the women’s room just as chatty without lines?  From what I’ve also heard from many illegal breaches into the women’s bathroom is that it is always sparkling.  No joke, there are ionic pillars that flank both sides of all the stalls.  All the faucets are made of Tiffany’s platinum that reassure women that they’re outfit does not make them look fat in three languages.  And you know how there are attendants in really fancy bathrooms in really fancy restaurants?  I heard that all women’s bathrooms have attendants and they hand out Lindt chocolates.  You can go to a bathroom at Burger King in Hoboken and there will be an attendant decked out in a tuxedo offering you perfume and chocolate.

Going into a men’s bathroom is like going into a men’s bathroom at their home.  It’s darkly lit, and there’s always a slight possibility that the toilet seats has pee on it.  It doesn’t necessarily look bad, but it something just feels a little weird about them.  Like a medieval dungeon except with more rats and dead bodies.

  But enjoying the bathroom is a truly foreign concept to men.  The bathroom is fun?  And more importantly, you’re allowed to talk? 

Someone not well versed in the men’s room, namely women, might think the men’s room would be a blast due to our naturally carefree nature, but it is about as serious as delivering twins.  Men are indeed pack animals and we do enjoy the company of others, but when we go to the bathroom, we all understand it is a journey we must make alone.   This is contrary to expectations because men do enjoy going to the bathroom and will talk about it freely with other men.  They compare frequency, volume, density, the longest pee they ever took, etc.  But all of the frivolity and humor that is associated with men goes right out the window as soon as the door opens. 

First of all, there is no eye contact with anyone.  Ever.  Second, when you step up to the urinal, you are to stare straight ahead at the handle of the urinal.  One of my favorite humorists Dave Barry said the stare men get while going to the bathroom can be described in intensity as looking at the wall like it has the chemical formula from turning lead into platinum inscribed on it and you’re trying to memorize it.  Why are guys so serious when they pee?  You know that one weak point on the Death Star from Star Wars, well it would be like every time the Death Star sent out ships, that weaknesses had giant red lights around it, exposing it’s primary weakness.  When men are peeing, everything goes on high alert.  The weakness is exposed.

This is why men go into a defensive stance when they pee.  They are puffed up, broad shoulders, perfect posture and a deathly stare right ahead of them.  They finish their pee and leave as with haste and intent to get out of the range of conflict.  Get out before the lions get you.  However, sometimes men have tried to leave a little too quickly which has resulted in the infamous “Get Your Penis Caught In The Zipper” mishap.  Every guy has either done this or had a really close call.  Any deviation from this ritualistic formula might cause such an alarm in the fragile men’s room social sphere that it could cause a man to be beaten to death with the toilet paper holder.

The men’s room is such a serious endeavor because of what is being handled in there.  If an outsider were looking just at the people in the men’s room they would conclude these men were all handling nuclear isotopes.  And the truth is that it’s much more impotant:  penises. 

This kind of passive aggression and defensive posturing is obviously an absurd anachronism in today’s world, but back in the day you had to worry about predators getting you while you were at your weakest.  In men’s defense, there is a biological imperative to take the men’s room so seriously.  Men understand their future lies in the genitals, and something deep in our coded genetic past has told us to make sure that gets passed on.  And any time there is even remote danger to that chance, shit gets very serious very quickly.

But the mistake that is commonly made regarding men is that the penis is a joking matter.  People joke about the things that are the most important.  Here’s a good penis joke, “My dick is so big that when I go to the movies, the popcorn sizes are small, medium and My Dick.”

And it’s because of all of this that men don’t go to the bathroom together.  The men’s room is already a dangerous jungle that must be navigated with the utmost care and tact, why clutter it with another body when you’re protecting your Future.

So when you see a guy coming back from the men’s room and he looks really glad to see you it’s because in his his own mind he has successfully traversed a harsh landscape of danger and decit while defending his genetic heritage with stealth, tact, and poise.  But more importantly he didn’t get his dong caught in his zipper.