Posted by: robinsonwarner | July 23, 2008

Farting, Playing Videogames, and Other Normal Behavior

In this crazy mixed up world where guys and girls become very close friends without Timmy pinning Kerry down at the malt shop in his T-bird and giving her his varsity jacket and asking her to the homecoming dance, it is quite evident that guys and girls are becoming increasingly adept at being close, platonic friends. Guys and girls, chicks and dudes, bros and babes, ladies and gentlemen are sometimes even living together under the same roof, but merely as good friends.  This is perfectly natural because “Hey, we’re all adults here.” 


Well, yes and no.  Girls past the age of eighteen do indeed begin to grow up.  They might abandon their Backstreet Boys album for Dave Matthews, move on from Alanis Morissette to that chick who doesn’t want to write you a love song because you asked for it but the paradox is that she is in fact writing you a love song by stating she won’t in song form. 


And yes, girls have their silly things that they do through college and in their early twenties, but they move on.   But for the most part, we can safely say that farts aren’t quite as funny to them as they may have been in previous years.  I think it is fair to say, that for the most part, girls mature more rapidly than guys.


The point is that girls who are living with guys may be in store for a shock.  It’s one thing to be best friends with a guy and have him make guy jokes and do somewhat guy things around you.  You think you’re ready, but my guess is you have no idea.  Most of this involves toilet humor and penis jokes, but there are other more complex, psychological things you, as a lady roommate, need to be prepared for.  So, my potentially loyal readers, I present to you a survival guide for living with the average twenty-something male.


1. Farting

As I previously mentioned, guys do indeed fart a lot.  Girls are probably aware that guys do, but everyone knows girls don’t fart.  It is one thing to fart, but it is another to encourage farting when you are with other guys, make comments about it and then laugh hysterically every single time.  No matter what the age of a guy, when he hears a fart, he can’t help but laugh, smile, make a comment or then respond with a fart of his own.  Guys laugh at farts, a lot.  It’s like when women watch their significant other try to fix the plumbing.  It’s funny every single time.  So the first thing to be prepared for is farting and lots of it; especially if there is more than one guy in the place of residence.  Farting is such a big deal for guys that they could be in the middle of a conversation and one will stop the other from talking, like it’s the emergency broadcast frequency, and really rip one.  This is a conversation you might hear:


Dustin:  So I don’t know man, I mean by the time I stopped screaming my hands were covered in blood and she was already dead.  I don’t know wha….


Matt: Dude, dude, dude.  Hold on.  Listen….




Dustin:  Nice one dude.  But as I was saying…


Matt:  Wait, wait, there’s more.




Dustin:  Oh dude, that is so gross.  But like I said, I caught Stacy cheating on me so I decided to get back at… Oh man, wait, I have a good one.




Matt:  Well done.


Police officer:  You’re under arrest.



2. Videogames

I’d say that upwards of 89% of the male population has played videogames, is playing videogames at the moment, is thinking about a totally killer idea for a videogame or really enjoys videogames.  This is a statistic I made up for the purpose of this post.  What you should take away is that guys like videogames a lot and they play them a lot.  Videogames always involve things like “winning”, “levels”, “power ups”, “blades of chaos”, “chainsaw bayonets” and eventually “beating the game”.  To any girls that are reading this blog, those previous words are probably just that: words.  They lack particular meaning and have no connection with your reality.  Girls don’t understand videogames the way guys don’t understand your underwear, bras and skincare products.  We don’t dislike them.  We just don’t get it and won’t pretend to.


So girls, if you are trying to communicate with your guy roommate that if he blows one more snot rocket into the sink and doesn’t wash it down the drain you’re going to snap, and he is playing videogames then he will respond like this, “Hold on, what?”  While he is playing videogames you must understand he is no longer Charlie your roommate with moderate body odor problems, he is a commando living on a faraway planet that is being attacked by alien zombies.  And he alone can prevent that world from destruction by using some sort of gun called “The Disembowelment Cannon”.  You won’t understand, but what you must eventually to survive living with this guy even though he is far, far away while playing videogames.  Just ask him to pause it.  He’ll snap back into it; that is of course unless he’s on this one really hard part where like twenty bad guys come at him at once and he needs to concentrate.  Try next week in that case.  He also might throw his Xbox controller, but it is not because he’s mad at you.  It’s that fucking zombie king who cheats every time. 


I want to digress for a moment to talk about how true this is about guys and their videogames.  Videogames are made on computers by human beings, and yes there are glitches in the computer that often arise at certain junctions, but guys do not care.  The game fucking cheats, dude.  They are so convinced of what should have happened at that precise moment that every guy who plays videogames has accused their game console of “cheating”.  As if the computer were alive and sentient and in addition, really, really mean.  The whole thing is absurd, but ask your guy roommate about one particular time when the game “cheated”.  He might punch through your dry wall.


3.  Sports– Much like videogames, guys transfer into a different state of being while they are watching sports and especially “their” teams.  It is a very complex, love, hate relationship where twenty strangers over 1,500 miles away can make a grown man declare war on God and the entire city of New York in 2003 and have it all turn around in 2004. 


Many guys believe that their team cannot win unless they watch or unless they wear the lucky t-shirt that a Maori tribesman blessed during the summer solstice the last year the Red Sox won the World Series.  This is a very dangerous and deep form of psychosis that cannot be remedied.  It also doesn’t help that if you are a girl and you come in and asking stupid-ass questions like what a ‘down’ is during the Super Bowl.  To be fair to women, not all of you do this, but I swear to God, every guy has had this happen to them and it is terribly unpleasant.  It also makes us want to play more videogames.


4.  Food – Boys eat more food than girls.  This is a simple fact of existence.  Guys also hate going grocery shopping, this does not imply that chicks like going grocery shopping, but who is kidding whom.  Every time I go to the grocery store I don’t see a lot of dudes walking around and seeing of the melon is ripe.  I see mostly women.  I’m sorry. 


But because guys infrequently go to the grocery store they are often filled with a tremendously unnecessary amount of pride for actually going and buying “vegetables” and mostly, a shit load of chicken and steak, lots of sauces and maybe potatoes.  And of course beer. 


So when other people in the apartment want some of the guy’s food or they may have already been drinking their milk, a primitive alarm goes on in the back of their head.  Years of evolution has taught males that they survive by getting their own food, so when someone tries to eat their delicious piece of ginger chicken that their friend’s mom made for them, they become somewhat defensive.  You can sample it ladies, but so help you if you take too much.  However it’s a fine line because you don’t want to take too little because the guy will make fun of you for taking too little and plus he also feels embarrassed because you might think he actually is getting defensive about his food.  But you don’t want to take too much because the guy might just bite your hand and throw his feces at you.


If you see your guy roommate drinking milk directly out of his carton, individually licking every piece his deli meat, or just casually dipping his testicles into his tomato soup, it’s just his way of letting everyone know that it belongs it’s his.


5.  The Penis – I’m sorry, but this influences pretty much every single thing that the guy does.  It affects every single aspect of his life, most directly the approved canon of jokes between other guy friends.  Most of this includes the size of said penis and the prowess upon using said penis.  It is also important that all female roommates be prepared for upward of forty different names for male genitals.  Here is a sample conversation between two guys about their penises.


Mark:  My johnson is so big that it has its own johnson.


John:  My dick is so big that at the movie theater the three sizes of popcorn are small, medium and “my dick”.


If you recognized these two names, these were two disciples of Jesus Christ.  This is an excerpt from the Gospel of Schlongathias which is part of the Dead Sea Scrolls.  See?  Even two thousand years ago, guys were making penis jokes.


So ladies, if you catch your guy roommates measuring, stretching, analyzing or generally admiring their genitals with a satisfied look on their face (this is rare), it is perfectly normal behavior.  Take solace in the fact that it was either deal with this penis obsession if you were a male or have to go through childbirth.  Aren’t you the lucky duck?


6.  Gay stuff – I’m not misusing the word gay here by meaning “stupid”, no I literally mean guys messing with each other perhaps how two gay men would.  But this is an important way of testing to continually establish the reality that their guy friends are in fact not gay.  Not that it would be a bad thing if their friend was, but he most aren’t.  And if the guy’s friend was gay, they wouldn’t be doing such things. So there.


It’s an important part of a guy’s relationship with anyone, especially with other guys, when they moon their best friend for the first time or show them their genitals in a sporting way.  The appropriate response for the viewer (who is an assumed heterosexual male) is to quickly look away and go, “Oh dude, come on!  That’s gross!”  Laughter, farts and penis jokes ensue.  Guys will also be known to grab each other’s nipples, try to lightly hit each other in the balls or hit slap other on the butt.  Does this sound a little strange?  Absolutely.


Because girls, when they become really good friends with each other don’t go around mooning each other or slapping each other’s asses and then giggling.  This just doesn’t happen.  Guys are a strange breed, so it is completely normal.


This is a very short list of things for girls to watch out who may be soon signing a lease with a male, two males, or God forbid, three males.  Just keep these six seemingly strange forms of behavior in the back of your head when you come from work one day and you catch your guy roommate mooning himself in the mirror all the while measuring his penis and playing videogames while farting and laughing hysterically.  Normally you would have called the nice gentlemen in the white suits to take Brian away, but you’re so much better than that now. 

But if you remember one more thing, and I mean this is the most important thing you can take away from this post. This is the absolute key to survival.  You have to… Wait, hold on.     *fraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap*

Hahahahaha.  Oh man.  That was great.  Now what was I saying?





This is for Rory and much thanks to her for the idea.  Best of luck.  You’re going to need it.


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