Posted by: robinsonwarner | March 4, 2009

Smediums

I want to know the precise moment in time when men’s clothing became smaller.  What was it that did it to the male fashion industry that demanded shirts be smaller?  I know as I was growing up that I was a large kid.  At fourteen I was 5’11” and upwards of 215 pounds.  Needless to say I was a size large in pretty much everything, but then t-shirts started getting smaller.  It’s almost as if the small size and the medium size were morphed together because everyone believed that men should be skinnier.  I call this The Smedium.

The Smedium is the really, really tight shirt size you started seeing men wearing around the year 2000.  The sleeves are higher and tighter and across the chest it is even tighter; showcasing the naturally ripped physique of all men.  Tight abs, developed pectorals and ripped biceps are a must and must develop quickly.

I remember going into Abercrombie and Fitch around the age of fifteen and purchasing a large collared shirt thinking it would fit me perfectly as all larges had since I was about thirteen, I went home to try it on and this thing looked like the equivalent of me trying to fit onto a big wheel.  It definitely was not happening. 

As if a large sized fifteen year old didn’t have enough self esteem issues as is, suddenly I’m discovering that in order to even wear clothes I had to be really skinny; like a gazelle.  And the terrible thing was that  I always thought I was safe in clothes: “ Okay, if I wear this shirt I don’t have to worry about those remnants of baby fat”.  And by baby fat I mean Double Stuff Oreos that I took one side off of and put together with its clone to make a Quadruple Stuff.

And as I discussed this with girls the same age I thought they were going to put my hand in a blender.  Apparently this has been happening to women since 10,000 B.C.  Honestly, who even knew?  I bet they barely touch on this in the Women’s Studies curriculum at Smith College. 

Now I’ve been doing a little bit of research and it seems that a woman’s physique does not  naturally adhere to the rigorous expectations of the modern fashion industry.  This was certainly news to me.  Women can’t just walk into a store and know that a size whatever fits the same as a size whatever elsewhere.  I remain skeptical despite overwhelming empirical evidence.

Back to my troubles.  Does anyone remember the clothing store Structure?  Well I do.  Here’s why:  Because everything fit me as it should.  I still have a t-shirt from that place that I bought when I was a freshman in high school and it fits me to this day the same as the day I bought it.  Then along came Express for Men.  Apparently Express originally was a women’s store with ridiculous expectations for clothing.  Once again, I’ve never seen any of it, but let’s assume for arguments sake.  Express took over my beloved Structure and made it Express for Men and everything fit like I was stealing my clothes from Gymboree.

Now I don’t want to blame metrosexuality, because it’s done wonders for my personal hygiene, but Express for Men turned Structure clothing  into clothing that was really tight.  These clothes were tight the way the Americans have obesity issues.  And as you can infer, shrinking male clothing and an escalating rate of obesity don’t really mix.  Like oil and water or zombies and nursery schools.  The result is not going to be pretty.

To this day I have finally figured out what women have been fucking babbling about for so many years.  Sometimes society’s expectations of what is fashionable and chic aren’t necessarily reasonable or even practical.  Who would have thought?

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Responses

  1. Holy Crap, Im so freaking happy that I found this blog…. Now I’ll always get to have a little Tom and Rob in my life, even post PC 🙂

  2. I’d like to know your opinions on Men’s Skinny Jeans. I’m living in Portland OR where the “hipsters” own the fashion streets and feel that it is okay to show off their chicken legs with tight skin tight jeans… Discuss

  3. tight jeans concern me on a functional level. i don’t like that i will be able to maneuver quickly, loosly, and freely in the event of a zombie invasion. i feel super tight jeans pose a threat not only to sperm production in males but also in the safety of the general citizenry. the major question is, however, as it pertains to sperm production, do we REALLY want people to pass on their genetic code if they do indeed have this proclivity towards obnoxiously tight fitting dungarees?

  4. the thing is, i have a pair of relatively tight jeans (nothing like hipster jeans) and everytime i do anything my booty hangs out

    i mean it’s hot and all, but i don’t want to embarass other people who are jealous

  5. Yes! For girls who are also taller or shorter than the average (rather than fatter or thinner) relative to the “average” physique that clothes are based on, we suffer an endless battle. To hem or not to hem?

    The worst is dress shirts as the torso length can be severely ill-fitting.


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