Posted by: robinsonwarner | July 31, 2008

Sweating, Rabid Wolverines, and Bar Hopping

So it is summer now and everyone is busy trying to stay cool in the summer heat.  Some of you might have jobs with air conditioning, homes with air conditioning, cars with air conditioning and some of you might have those little hand fans that squirt water into your face to help you stay cool.  Whatever the case, people across the United States are sweating and they’re a little embarrassed and perhaps a little concerned.


Now for whatever reason, children seem somewhat impervious to heat in the sense that they are not adults who have too often fell victim to A.S.S. (Awkward Social Sweating).  As adults, we have all gone through puberty… well most of us have.  I still can’t grow a beard unfortunately.  Is it too much to ask to be able to grow a beard, chop wood and pretend that I’m Paul Bunyan?  I don’t think so.  


But as I was saying, as adults, we have much more active sweat glands than children so the heat is not viewed as something that is inherently “fun” anymore.  It is something with which we must struggle.  Children are outside playing sports, not worried about impressing members of the opposite sex.  They also associate warm weather with not being in school.  But as adults the tragic reality is that summer no longer equals carefree playtime.  The summer is no longer a four month recess, but rather a four month battle with not-sweating and ongoing bitterness that we can’t just play with squirt guns.  So what I want to do is to help people out there with how to deal with A.S.S. and some steps that can be taken from someone who has had to become the master of masking his natural propensity towards sweating.


Now there is nothing wrong with sweating, but let me tell you, as someone who sweats a lot, it really puts a damper on many different social interactions if you are sweating a lot when others are only sweating a little bit. 


One advantage that women possess over men in this regard is that when women sweat it is just naturally more attractive.  I’m not sure what it is, but I can’t really explain it.  It could have something linked to the fact that their sweat smells like sugar and spice… and everything irrational.  But in all seriousness, females possess the uncanny ability, when they want to, to smell like something that can only be described as a cross between fresh linens and Aphrodite the Love Goddess.  This helps the situation tremendously because they can smell so potently beautiful that no amount of sweat can corrupt this.  I think when girls sweat and they are talking to a guy and they think the girl is attractive there is some strange hope that the female is perhaps sweating for them.  This is of course ridiculous, but so was Guts the gameshow.  Doesn’t mean we just threw it out of the window.


But when guys sweat, it tends to be more on the smelly side of things.  Not necessarily horrifyingly yucky, but not necessarily pleasant either.  So guys have to worry a little more about the sweating factor.


So you find yourself at a party or a bar and this place is packed full of people all drinking alcohol (which also tends to amplify the sweating).  This is ultimately the place people have to worry about the most when it comes to sweating.  For someone who is prone to sweating, you are indeed in the Danger Zone. 


Now if The Matrix has taught me anything it’s that people give off energy.  And if Intro to Meteorology 101 has taught me another thing, it is that energy = heat.  So you’re in a bar or party with one hundred other giant heat producing entities and you are already overheated in general.  What do you think is going to happen?  You start sweating, and you are totally concerned. 


Don’t panic though.  If the member of the opposite sex is not an android, they are going to be hot as well.  If they are not a little hot or sweaty, they are indeed a highly advanced android that is capable of displaying human behavior, but they will ultimately turn on us and kill us all.  The only way to kill an android is to rip out its cerebral matrix which is located in the middle of its chest. 


But I digress.  You are not in an A.S.S. situation yet.  You are allowed to have visible sweat on your arms and face without feeling embarrassed.  People understand you’re in a bar, it’s crowded, and it is the first week of August.  Plus if they just saw you kill that android they will totally understand and maybe buy you drinks all night for doing humanity a wonderful service.


A first step you can take to preemptively battle any A.S.S. is to bringing hankies with you if you have a place to store them.  They are discreet, perfectly normal to possess and cheap as well.  It is better to squeegee your face than to let it accumulate and drip down your face. 


Something that doesn’t work is taking your cold drink and holding it up to your forehead.  Not only do you look like a total retard, but this is not discreet at all and everyone in the bar will know about your freakish sweating.  It’s unfortunate that this can’t be done, but people are cruel and so is life.  In addition, the cold drink to the forehead move is also a giant tease for the rest of your body which is craving a way to cool itself down.  Because you don’t want to seem like a freak, you eventually take the drink down and so dissipate the coldness.  Your body is angry at you and will probably retaliate by making you have to poop in an awkward place later.


The next step you can take is to go outside the bar to “grab a cigarette” which really means “I need to get the fuck out of here because I’m going to start sweating through my shirt soon”.  Do this as often as is necessary.


The next step in sweating is that you start to notice that you might be sweating through your clothes.  The problem is that you want to maybe wear an undershirt as a buffer between the sweat and the fabric of your shirt that everyone will see, but you also want to minimize your layers because that leads to more sweating.  It is one of the cruel Catch 22’s of life.  Regardless of which poison you pick, you can combat this situation by putting antiperspirant on the problem areas that sweat.  I recommend the shoulders and chest.  Let me tell you it is worth a little shame and awkwardness in the mirror before you go out than having a sweat stain on your shirt when you’re talking to a fly honey or that cute guy who is a cardiologist with awesome facial hair and he is so much more mature than any of the guys you dated at UCLA.  It’s a price that must be dealt with.


So if you end up sweating through your shirt then you are mostly likely in a full blown A.S.S. situation.  And once you are aware of the fact that you are sweating through the clothes you wore out, you become self conscious and nervous and then you start sweating even more.  This is what we call the Sweating Homo sapiens In Trouble (or S.H.I.T.) within the A.S.S. situation.  You were sweating so much there was an A.S.S. and then S.H.I.T. came out of that as a result.  It is something that might happen as often as once a day where A.S.S. leads to S.H.I.T.  It continues to perpetuate itself until you just decide you can’t handle it anymore and it’s time to go work on your blog called Herding Scapegoats some more at home.  At least it’s safe in the air conditioning.  Loser.


It is at this point that drastic measures can be taken by the uber-sweater.  Whether you are a guy or a girl, you can stage an elaborate scheme to rid yourself of the sweat problem for the rest of the evening.  It’s drastic, bold and must be pulled off flawlessly in order to be effective.  Here it is.  The tactical move is called the Perfectly Intentional Spilled Sip or P.I.S.S.  So if you’re following me here; when you’re dealing with A.S.S., sometimes S.H.I.T. happens as a result and, at most P.I.S.S. as something to counteract S.H.IT.  The tactical maneuver known as P.I.S.S. involves having a friend spill their drink on you.  Think about it.  It’s perfect.  If you’re covered in someone’s booze, which can be your cover story for why you’re so damp for at least an hour or two more.


So essentially, the most bold, most drastic move you can make, if pulled off successfully, can lead to you having a sweating free pass for the rest of the evening.   P.I.S.S. as a remedy to an A.S.S. and S.H.I.T. situation has been successfully pulled off plenty of times, but requires confidence and an understanding accomplice.  This accomplice, in covert operations, is referred to as Willing Inebriated Person Exit Strategy or W.I.P.E.S.  So if you’re following my logic, the sweaty bar hopper realizes that in dealing with A.S.S., which can lead to S.H.I.T, must be followed by P.I.S.S.  And the savvy bar hopper always W.I.P.E.S.  The order is this A.S.S., S.H.I.T., P.I.S.S., and W.I.P.E.S.  I think we can all learn something from this process.


If you are parked close enough to the bar I recommend bringing an extra shirt or undershirt with you.  I know this seems ridiculous, but there are absolutely people out there who have this problem.


This goes out to people at bars and parties who are not people who sweat that much and are lucky enough to not have any A.S.S. situations.  I am asking you a favor.  Please be understanding in that some of us react to heat and humidity in a very socially unfavorable way.  We need your help.  This is mostly to not be that asshole who exclaims, “Holy shit dude!  You’re sweating a lot!  Man, I didn’t think it was that hot in here!  Are you all right?”  To the fucknuts who have said this to sweating people before, I hope you walk into oncoming traffic and a truck carrying rabid, underfed wolverines swerves out of the way from hitting you, crashes into a tree, has the driver be unhurt, but the back comes unlatched on the truck and you are the first thing the wolverines see once they escape and they come after you and they start eating your body but then you go running into your house and as you go into your house God throws a lightning bolt and it lights your house on fire and then just as you’re being burned and eaten alive, She tells you that there is a place for you in heaven, but as someone who has to clean toilets after Taco Night.  And everyone knows that Taco Night in heaven gets very messy the next morning.   We know that we’re sweating asshole.  Do you think we’re not mortified that we’re profusely sweating in public?  Have you perhaps thought that not all of us have liquid nitrogen running through our veins and can’t regulate our body temperature properly?  It doesn’t help that you have smarmy remarks based on your fuck genius powers of observation which have astutely told you we are sweating a lot.  Fuck.  Get off my Kool-Aid.


So now that that is out of the way, I hope you all have a lovely rest of the summer.  Stay cool, stay hydrated, get a tan and take it easy on the sweaty kids.  They all have pet wolverines.




  1. hahaha

    now I’ll remember the exact order of how to avoid ASS situations. Now I just have to be lucid enough not to say it out loud…

    about the holding the cold drink up to the forehead: this is especially helpful for people who tend to not sweat as much. the downside is getting really red and storing an uncomfortable amount of heat that is not sweated out!

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