Posted by: robinsonwarner | August 4, 2008

Super Soakers and American Privilege

I need to get something off of my chest.  This has been bothering me since I’ve been seven years old.  I know I might be picked off by the Department of Homeland Security and Interpol at the same moment for saying this, but I don’t like squirt guns.  More specifically I don’t like Super Soakers.


Now don’t get me wrong.  I had Super Soakers, but the more I think about it I realized how I never had any fun playing with my Super Soaker because I spent ninety percent of the time refilling it from the hose or the kitchen sink.  You couldn’t ever really have an guerilla war with Super Soakers like you wanted because as kids you would just run up to each other and be squirting and pumping as fast as you can while turning your heads away and you would run out of fluid after a few short squirts.


First off, I realize that I might have just typed the most double entendre laden sentence in the history of the English language.  Go read it again.  Your reaction should be this, “Mmhmm…. Yep… I don’t see what the big… Oh God, that’s disgusting!”


Secondly, this is another example of advertisements being misleading.  In the commercials it shows kids popping out of the jungle like the Vietcong, soaking other children with precision and accuracy while swinging by on a vine.  Then a small water grenade is thrown at a group of kids and someone has to step up and be the hero by jumping on it.  War movies have taught me it’s usually the minority character.  And the bigoted private (whose life was just saved) learns that we can all live in racial harmony. 


But this never actually happened in real life.  Super Soaker fights always began the same way.  We would all get so fired up to have this battle, establish forts, rules, guidelines and then it would be over in a few minutes become someone would get water in their eye, but more often it’s because we ran out of water in our tanks.  Every Super Soaker battle was like Desert Storm, but what we were looking for was the 100 Years War. 


For those of us who were constantly refilling, there was always that kid who was always that kid who had all the best toys so of course his parents had already bought him the Super Soaker 2000.


For those of you who aren’t familiar with the Super Soaker 2000, it is the Excalibur of squirt guns.  I believe the Super Soaker 2000 was discovered by Oppenheimer before his explorations into nuclear warfare.  Rumored to be too dangerous for one man to have, it was locked up until the mid-nineties until they were mass produced and strategically placed by the government in the homes of well to do families, thinking they were fit to wield this power.


It is also rumored that when Moses came down the mountain he had two stone tablets and the Super Soaker 2000 slung army-style around his neck.  Due to the delightful irony that the Jews were in a desert with a squirt gun, its power was thankfully never released on mankind.  I’m not talking irony your professors spent a class defining, I’m talking about Alanis Morissette irony.  Like rain on your wedding day irony.


So after everyone had dispensed their liquid we would spend another ten minutes refilling our Super Soakers and maybe doing it one more time.  Then we would realize that this fucking sucks.  We would then just spray each other with the hose, dry off, go play Super Mario 3 or use our Super Soakers on the girls down the street.


Because of this phenomenon I think there should be a mass, mutual disarmament all over the globe and all wars should be waged with Super Soakers.  Thirty seconds of a steady stream of water, a few refills, and then both sides realize this does indeed suck.  The benefits are that everyone goes home alive and the greatest economic strain it would impose on the economies of the countries involved would be the electricity required to operate a dryer.  And maybe astronomically higher water bills for the month.  Haliburton need not get involved, but maybe Maytag would.


But I was thinking, has there ever been a stronger statement about our relative wealth and opulence as a country than the invention of the Super Soaker?  Well ok, I mean there are 99 cent double cheeseburgers, SUV’s, malls, iPods, Oreos dipped in fudge, escalators, and fake boobs.  But besides those, Super Soakers, we want those fuckers to soak you.  We can afford so much water that we don’t even want you to drink it. 


Think about this.  Kids are filling up their Super Soakers in their sinks, which yield perfectly good drinking water, and essentially just throwing it away.  Can you imagine trying to explain this to someone from any third world country?  “Oh yeah, we have so much fresh water to drink that we don’t know what to do with it.  What?  You spend your entire day getting water for your family?  It’s a two mile hike to the water source?  Why don’t you have indoor plumbing? Oh the IMF destroyed your infrastructure.  I see.  You should get more.”  


So mostly we just throw it away by playfully squirting it at each other.  Then we go ride massive SUV’s down our gold-paved roads while talking on phones that cost more than an entire year’s salary of a factory worker in Sri Lanka.  I can’t decide which is more awkward, explaining the concept of a Super Soaker to someone of the third world or trying to explain anorexia.


So folks, perhaps if you’re filling up your Super Soaker this summer and deciding to just completely waste the water, let’s keep in mind that fresh water is not indeed a completely unlimited resource, no matter what the Republicans tell us.  Just go inside and use the air conditioning if you’re trying to cool off.  Everyone knows how cheap energy is nowadays.






  1. Whoa! Good post. I never expected it to turn the way it did. And you know what? Your dead on!

  2. about the water….

    My cousin had a super soaker and as a kid he’d terrorize me with it around the grassy and sidewalk areas. This wouldn’t be so bad if it was water (I would only be pissed because that’s what girls do). But unfortunately for me, my cousin had the good sense to be environmentally responsible; therefore, he filled the super soaker with spit.

    My only solace is that I helped save the plant. *Cue Captain Planet theme song*

  3. i used to just fill my super soaker up with the souls of the innocent. i felt that was the best way to save water. plus they really cool you down.

  4. I remember it like it was yesterday. Four or five squirts down the Broad St. black top and then it was back to “Streets of Rage” for the remainder of the week. The little things should NEVER go unnoticed my friend. A fine post I must say!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: