Posted by: robinsonwarner | October 4, 2008

The Vice Presidential Debate: Everyone is a Maverick!

I would like to put a general disclaimer here.   Before you read this it is important that you understand this is an extremely biased account of the vice presidential debate from Thursday evening.  I in no way am giving Sarah Palin a fair chance because… well basically because I think she’s a fucking moron.  Before a single word came out of her mouth I thought she was wrong.  And before Biden even spoke I expected him to walk all over Palin like he was playing a blind person in Candyland.  I will be voting for the Obama-Biden ticket in November and there is no amount of debating or convincing that could ever get me to do otherwise.  The thought of McCain and Palin in the Whitehouse makes me physically ill.  Understand this before you proceed. 

 

If you choose to continue, you are reading my thoughts minute by minute with edits and minor elaborations.  Enjoy.

 

8:04 – Biden is looking at Sarah Palin like anyone looks at a mosquito right before obliterate.  It is a mix of pity and malice.  His face is almost saying, “God speed Gov. Palin, because your gun toting dumbass is going to need it.”

“Can I call you Joe?” is the first thing out of her mouth to Sen. Biden.  How fucking quaint.  Oh wait, it’s not charming at all.  You just look like an idiot.  In her opening lines she used the word “barometer” in a context that makes little to no sense.  I feel like she just learned this word from her online literacy class and was a little too anxious to use it in a sentence; “Oh man, that chicken cutlet was a real barometer!”

 

8:06 – Palin was about as close to calling McCain a maverick as any human being could ever be.  She wanted to do it, but she held back.  I could tell because her nipples got hard.  This is a little known fact.  Her nipples get hard every time she says the word maverick.

 

8:07 – Biden has just informed the American public he has lying Republican friends.  I do indeed believe him, but the coupling of the two in the political sense is like hyenas arguing civilly over a dead antelope.  It seems unlikely that it ever happens.  They both have very different belief systems on how the antelope should be distributed.  Like the hyenas believe that all the all the wealthy hyenas should have all the meat and that if those rich hyenas are fed well then the rest of hyenas will be well fed by trickle down Hyenomics. 

 

Biden basically told America that McCain has dementia.

 

8:09 – I’ve heard the word bipartisanship twelve times already.  I mean I know this is important, but I just imagine many conversations would get awkward while working together.  Here’s an example:

 

Republican:  So I really think if we cut down our spending here we might be able to free up some funds over here.

 

Democrat:  I think that’s a great idea Dave.  I’m glad we finally worked this out.

 

Republican:  Me too.

 

Democrat:  Yep.

 

*Awkward silence*

 

Republican:  Hey Mark, you don’t believe in dinosaurs do you? 

 

8:10 – Biden is assuring us that McCain is a good man.  He’s reassured us of this a couple times.  This makes me think that Biden knows about a few dead Vietnamese hookers from McCain’s past.

 

8:12 – If looks could kill, regarding tax increases, Biden would have pushed Palin down an empty elevator shaft at this point.

 

8:14 – ALERT!  We have our first 8Mile Moment of the evening when Biden looks at Palin and says, “That is absolutely not true.”

 

8:15 – Palin says she won’t answer questions.  Can you just imagine what she was like at her school spelling bee?  The moderator would ask her to spell “pneumonic” and she would say, “Well I’m not going to spell that word, but I would like to spell ‘cloud.’”

 

8:16 – Those making $250,000 and up don’t get a tax break.  How is this unfair?  Why are people upset about this?  This seems fairly reasonable.

 

8:17 – Biden has said middle class 45 times in 17 minutes.

 

8:18 – Palin has just informed me that the definition of “patriotic” is saying government is the problem but she wants more regulation?  Excuse me?

 

8:19 – $5,000 “credit” for healthcare does absolutely nothing.  This is essentially wasted money.

 

8:21 – Biden informs me that McCain’s plan is to tax everyone to raise the funds for the $5,000 credit.  The money goes straight to your employer.  Then $12,000 additional moneys to your employer.  $20 million dropped under the plan.  ALERT!  We have another 8Mile Moment.  Biden regarding McCain’s healthcare plan: “That’s what I call the ultimate bridge to nowhere.”

 

8:24 – Obama voted for the energy plan that gave 4 billion dollars to the oil corporations.  Biden’s response:  Obama voted because it supported alternative energy.  Obama voted to eliminate the tax cuts in the bill. 

 

8:27 – Palin said “revelation”.  A very cold chill just went down my spine.

 

8:31 – Palin reminds me that Alaska is arctic.  She might as well just continue the geography lesson by reminding me of how dangerously cuddly baby polar bears look. 

 

She also just denied the existence of global warming.

 

8:33 – Biden acknowledges global warming and also the principle of causality.  Somewhere Trig’s brain is getting smaller.  McCain voted against alternative energy twenty times.  Woof.

 

8:35 – Palin has just corrected Biden on the proper rallying cry about drilling offshore for oil.  It’s “Drill baby, drill!” she reminds Biden.  He calmly reminds her she is stupid by informing her on the reality that it will take ten years before any of us see that oil affecting our gas prices.

 

8:37 – Biden has just said the word constitution.  Palin looks confused.  What is this constitution you speak of?

 

Palin talked about her very dear friends.  I just have a sneaking suspicion she has absolutely no friends.  Like none.  She seems like the type of woman that flirts with the husbands of her so called “friends” just to let everyone know she’s in charge. 

 

8:39 – Palin supports “traditional marriage”.

 

8:40 – I have just been told by Palin that “the surge” is working.  I’m sure it is Sarah.  I want to see how much you support this war when your kid gets his legs blown off.  I don’t wish this upon him of course, but I think it’s mighty easy to say you advocate sending someone else over there.

 

8:41 – ALERT!  8Mile Moment!  John McCain voted to not fund the troops in the same way that Obama supposedly did.  The funding was linked with a timeline.  So Obama didn’t vote for the bill because it lacked a timeline.

 

8:44 – My good friend just sent me a message that said “JOE BIDEN TAKES NO PRISONERS.”  Frankly, I agree.

 

8:45 – Which is more dangerous, Nuclear Iran or Unstable Pakistan?  Or is it Sarah Palin teaching a biology class?

 

8:55 – You know what I learned about Israel tonight?  Everyone fucking loves it.  No seriously.  Don’t… fuck… with Israel.

 

8:57 – Palin wants a surge in Afghanistan.  I would be thoroughly surprised if she could locate Afghanistan on a map. 

 

9:00 – There is a human being named Dick Lugar.  I repeat.  There is a human being named Dick Lugar.  This is a guy whose parents named him to do porn.  He was set up perfectly for this.  He wouldn’t even need to change his name.  But no, he decided on a life of public service. 

 

9:03 – My friend Rachael just reminded me of the absolute truth that Joe Biden does not have a “Ctrl” button on his computer.  He is always in control.

 

9:06 – Palin said that McCain knows how to win a war.  Wasn’t this the guy that got caught and tortured in Vietnam?  Is that how you win a war?  By getting caught?  It also probably helps being a brilliant strategist graduating third from the bottom in your class at Annapolis.  This establishes your brilliance.

 

9:10 – I feel that there is a constant struggle between politicians to see how home town American they can be.  All they need to do is say something about a steel townsor knowing about a specific street somewhere in “the heartland”.  Or one might decide to give a shoutout to a group of third graders in Moosefuck, Alaska.

 

9:15 – Palin said she comes from a family of teachers.  Really?  Did they teach special education?  Because that would really tie a few things together for me.

 

9:17 – Dick Cheney is the most dangerous vice president in the history of the United States.  Would you honestly be surprised if you finally saw the face of Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget and it was Dick Cheney?  I would be more concerned if it wasn’t.

 

9:20 – Palin does called America a “city on hill”.  I feel that Gov. Palin doesn’t realize this is a metaphor and truly believes that the United States is the biggest hill in the world.  Why Katie Couric didn’t ask Palin this is beyond me. 

 

So those were some of my initial reactions to Governor Palin, Senator Biden and the debate.  I would like to reflect upon two things I found particularly interesting.  Governor Palin, to me, felt a little bit like a seven year old when she kept saying that Obama voted to tax Americans who made $42,000 dollars or less.  This was clearly part of the Republican bullet point sheet they gave Palin before the debate, but the unfortunate reality for them is that it isn’t true.  So of course her harping on this fictionalized anecdote just made her look like she was working for The National Enquirer.  She could have told me that Obama had dinner with Elvis, who is still alive, and that would seem truer than her repeated attempts to quite literally make shit up about Obama’s voting record.

 

However it is difficult to defend total fabrications because all you can is, “Uh… well… no.”

 

It was intriguing how Gov. Palin also tried to say that Obama didn’t “support the troops” by not voting for a bill that gave more funding to the Iraq war.  The thing she of course left out was that Obama didn’t vote for this bill because it lacked a timeline for withdrawal and that McCain voted for the same bill.  In addition, McCain voted against a bill that would provide for better health care and college education for troops returning from Iraq and Afghanistan.  Somehow this is never brought up because McCain is a “maverick” and was in tortured in a POW camp.

 

Here are some stats from the debate:

 

 

List of quaint colloquialisms used by Governor Pain – “you betcha”, “darn right”, “Joe Six pack”, “hurtin’”, “heckuvalot”, “hockey moms unite”, “bless their hearts”, “drill baby drill”, “nucular”, “say it aint so Joe”

 

# of sports references by Governor Palin – 2

 

# of times the word “maverick” was used – 7

 

# of times “main street” was said – 2

 

# of times Gov. Palin criticized Obama for “cutting funding to the troops” – 3

 

# of times Gov. Palin falsely stated Obama will raise taxes for those making $42,000 – 4

 

# of times the phrase “greed and corruption” was used – 9

 

Here is the dictionary definition of a maverick for those of you who might have been confused:

 

“a lone dissenter, as an intellectual, an artist, or a politician, who takes an independent stand apart from his or her associates”

 

“One that refuses to abide by the dictates of or resists adherence to a group; a dissenter.”

 

“Being independent in thought and action or exhibiting such independence: maverick politicians; a maverick decision.

 

 

 

 

 

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Responses

  1. This is a post of epic proportions. Well done. I would like to say it is somewhat satisfying that this was such a poor performance on Sarah Palin’s part and ALSO the most watched vice presidential debate in history with 70 million viewers. I also would like to say that Gwen Ifill did a terrible job. I mean, I guess you could only say that if you were to hold her to the standard that the job of a moderator is to ensure that questions are being answered by both candidates to the extent that time allows (oh, wait…). And now she is showing up on Meet the Press saying that she is really upset at how Sarah Palin blew her off. Yes, she did blow you off, Gwen, but its your job to make her look like an asshole when she does. Just like Charlie Gibson did when he “interviewed” Sarah Palin (I thought Charlie’s interaction with Sarah Palin was absolutely hilarious as he radiated his hatred for her and the republican agenda, and although I think this resulted in a completely HONEST portrayal of Sarah Palin I am reluctant to call it an interview as it was obviously not an objective questioning of her). If you have not watched Gibson’s “interview” with Sarah Palin, please do so, as it exposes her for what she really is– that being a complete idiot. It is also satisfying that Palin’s rhetoric and attempt at winning the affection of the American people was all in vain– a recent CNN poll shows that viewers deemed Joe Biden as the winner of this debate by an overwhelming margin of 51%-36% and CBS’s poll reflected the same result but by a 46%-21% margin. So there.

  2. A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.FriedrichWilhelmNietzscheFriedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche


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